Ain’t Nothin’ Says a Feller Cain’t Learn Nothin’

One Ugly Mug 2
One Ugly Mug
Thish hyar ole hillbilly aint much fer beleevin in thangs other foaks sez. Foaks’ll tell yuh, “Thish hyar sham pooh will make yore hair shannier and git ewe more wimmen then ewe kin shake a stick at.”

Ain’t no truth to it. Truss me. Bin air; dun at; got the scars on muh skalp tuh pruve it.

But sinst Ah wuz jist a liddle ole hillbilly, thaze one thang Ah had hyeerd tell thet Ah thott wuzz the God’s most honestest truth.

Ah wuz told tam an tam agin they ain’t no way a carp’s gonna take a lerr. An Ah wint an toald foaks the same thang. “Doant aiven thank about it,” Ah’d say. “Aint no carp nohwirr no tam noways evver taken no lerr.”

Well, culler thish hyar ole hillbilly a bratt shade of rong.

Yissterdy aivnin, Ah wuzz out fishin on Lake of the Als. Ah wuzz fishin with a lerr–a Rappluh Shaller Shad. Ah thoad it in cloast tuh the bank, twixt thuh bank an a mess of lily pads–an sumthin hit it.

Ah thot: at air is a natty fan bass.

Ah coulden take no lan up on the rail. Ah’d tern thuh handle, an Ah coulden git it tuh do nothin.

Purdy soon, Ah disaddid hit coulden be no bass. Hit was too big.

Fanly Ah got it up tuh the surfiss soze Ah kud see it. An hit warnt nuthin seppin a big ole carp.

Ah didden wanna brake muh rod ner bust muh lan, speshly coz Ah am rat fond of thuh Rappluh lerr Ah wuz a-yoozin. Soze Ah took muh naidle-nose plars an pluckt thuh lerr outen the ole carp’s mouth.

Ah taiken a cupple of pitchers. Thay aint suh sharp, mainly cozz thuh ole carp wuz a-moovin all thuh tam. But hittle give ewe an eye-deer. Ah wreckin thuh ole thang wood go mebbe ate er ten pownz.

Ah aint suh prowd bowt ketchin me no carp, seppin Ah cott it on a lerr. Thet’s strainj. Iffen Ah hadden had enuff mash tuh drank, Ah matter thott Ah wuz havin me sum deleeryum tree mens. In fack, Ah wuz suh consarned Ah give muhseff a blood test atter Ah let thuh ole carp go. Ah drawed off bout a teaspoon of blood and put a match to it. Shore nuff, hit burnt jiss fan, with a long blue flame. At let me no thet muh blood alkie haul content wuz jiss rat.

Laiter on, Ah ketched me a purdy nass liddle ole bass. Thuh ole carp woodah maid sicks er seven of at air liddle ole bass. Still, Ah lackt thuh ole bass a hoal sat bedder. Carp’s jiss an ugly critter. Kanly remands me of a praicher Ah yooster no, feller yooster come rown an preech tuh me bowt goin tuh church. Mebbe haze dun bin re in car naited.

Another on the Devil's Horse

Lake of the Als

SAMSUNG CSC

Yestiddy aivnin Ah drug muh liddle kayak down tuh Lake Calhoon an wint fishin. Hit wuz rat windy on Calhoon hwin Ah kummincet tuh fishin, an Ah warnt ketchin nuthin nohow. So Ah disaddid to paddle up tuh Lake of the Als, hwitch is the nex lake fum Lake Calhoon. 

Ah paddled up an startid tuh thowin muh lerrs aroun. Ah wuz moas jinrully yoozin me sum Rappluhs–sum crankbates an a gold minner bate. 

Ah fanly ketched me wun liddle ole bass. He warnt but bout twel inchiz long, but he put up kwat a fat.

Ah hed juss let at un go hwin Ah hyeerd thish hyar feller sang out, “Ewe ketchin ennythang?”

Ah lookt up, an they wuz a feller sitting on a fantsy boat. He had him wun of em air lecktrick troallin moaders soze he didden haff tuh paddle nun. They wuz ateteen er twenny fishin poals stackt on the deck an a tackle bocks thuh saz of a steemer trunk.

“Ah aint cot but wun,” Ah riplad, “an hit warnt harley wurth talkin bout.”

“Hwatchoo yoozin fer lerrs?” he axed.

“Manely Rappluhs,” Ah sed. Ah hedd up muh poal an shoad thuh feller muh gold minnerbate Rappluh. “Thish hyar is hwut Ahma yoozin now.”

Thuh feller lookt at it. “Hwah, at air’s a fan lerr. Iffen ewe aint cott yore limit awreddy, Ah wreckin ewe doant no much bout fishin.”

Ah thot a seckund bowt thuh fellers rimark. “Ah wreckin ewe got at rat,” Ah sed. Thin Ah shoad him muh flask. “Say, ewe look lack a feller hoo wooden say no tuh a drop of mash. Zat rat?”

“Mash?” the feller axed.

“Well, ewe kin cawl hit craft hwisky, iffen ewe lack. Ah distilled hit muhseff.”

Thuh feller goggled at thuh flask fer a hwal, thin raiched owt fer it. “Ah spoaz hit woant hurt me nun.”

He unscrood the cap an taiken hizzeff a liddle sip. Corse mah mash doant smell lack much a nuthin, sints hits manely alkiehaul. 

Ah wreckin hit past the sniff test, coz thuh feller tipt the flask up an taiken hizzeff a purdy good sip.

Lack Ah figgered, thuh ole boy hadden bin born an bred a-drankin moonshan. Hiz ahs kummincet rat away tuh glaze oaver, lack a kupple of Krispy Kraim doanuts. Thin he startid sladdin kanly slow-lack outen his chare.

Fore he hit the wadder, Ah raiched out an grabbed muh flask. Aint no yoose waistin good mash, an speshly aint no yoose in waistin thuh ole hillbilly’s speshul Rokkit Fule Mash.

He went in, an Ah took me a sip an thot bout it a hwal. Thin Ah disadded thet thuh ole boy wuz rat. Ah doant ratly no nuthin bout fishin. Ah aint good fer ketchin nuthin seppin skeeter bats.

So Ah fisht him owt, thoad him up on his boat, an waived muh flask under hiz noze. He kummincet tuh snortin an coffin, an he shot bowt a gallin a wadder owt of his noaze. But thin he seddled down an startid braithin reggler lack.

Ah disaddid thin tuh go on bowt muh way. An Ah aivin let thuh ole boy kaip muh gold Rappluh minner-bate. 

Corse, Ah disaddid thet after wurkin fer tin minnits tuh git the treble hooks out of his chaik. Ah warnt dewin no good at it nowaze. 

 

The ole hillbilly perpairs tuh go a-fishin agin (part 1)

Muh furst poast on thish hyar blog wuz bout me a-goin down tuh fish in Lake Calhoon, hwich is jist bout a block er so fum muh howse hyar in Miniapples.

Ah didden ketch nuthin on thet fishin trip seppin a mess a skeeter bats. But the ole hillbilly aint one tuh giv up on fishin. Ennybawdy hoo nose the ole hillbilly nose thet Ah lack me sum fishin. So Ah wuz boun an ditturmind tuh ketch me sum fish outen a Lake Calhoun. An Ah wuz also bound an ditturmind not tuh git eat up bah skeeters hwalst Ah wuz a-dewin it.

Ah figgerd thet hwut the ole hillbilly naidid in hiz baddle ginst the skeeters wuz sum hevvy artillry–in pertickler, sum bug spray suh fierce thet hit’d make the skeeters drop dead jiss thankin bout it.

So Ah taken me a jug of muh speshul rokkit fule mash an pored bout a cup of it down the carbraiter of the ole fitty-two GMC flatbed. Thin Ah fard her up an droav oaver tuh the sportin goods stoar. Ah figgerd if they wuz fellers aroun hoo noad bout baddlin skeeters, hit’d be the folks at the sportin goods stoar.

Ah maid hit thar purdy kwik, an Ah didden coz but fav er sicks rex along the way. Thezhe hyar Minisodans luvs tuh tailgate, hwich haint suh good hwin yer follerin a feller in a nantain fitty-too flatbed thouten no rair meres. Ah had to stop twast tuh prah liddle biddy cars offen the diffrenshul. Hit makes a terrbull noize a-draggin em along lack thet, speshly hwin the folks in em gets to hollerin.

Fanly Ah hove up to the sportin goods stoar. Ah wint in, an thish hyar feller slads up an sez, May Ah hepp ewe, sir?

Well, Ah kummincet a-sayin, Ah wint down tuh Lake Calhoon tuther nat to dew sum fishin, an–

So did ewe ketch ennythang then? the feller axed.

Well, not iggzackly, Ah ruplad. Ah got me a mess of skeeter bats–

But doant tell me. The feller thoad out his hand lack a poeleaseman flaggin down a spader. Ewe didden ketch nuthin.

Well, they wuz a northern pack stuck hiz noze outen the wadder–

Thet’s the way thay are, the feller sed, givvin his own head a kinely sad liddle shake. Alwaze a-teasin, nevver a-battin.

Well, Ah wreckin Ah kin git him, Ah ruplad, iffen only–

The feller brattened up. Iffen only ewe had the rat bait, he see, his ahz kinely gleemin lack.

Well, Ah wuz thankin moar–

Ewe wuz thankin moar bout the hole prezentauyshun, the feller sed.

The hwut? Ah axed.

The hole prezentayshun, the feller ruplad. Hit aint jist the bait. Coarse thets himportint ez ennythang. But iffen hit aint perzentid jist rat, em air ole fish’ll jist shuv it asad, lack it offindid em.

Iffen ewe say so, but–

But a modurn, santiffick angler lack ewe, he wint on, ewe unnerstan th’importints of prezentayshun. An Ah kin hepp ewe out with thet.

The ole hillbilly lurns bout goff

Hit turns out thet the ole hillbilly is livvin rat nex tuh a goff coarse. Ah didden no thet hwin Ah furst mooved in hyar. Ah hed seed thet thay wuz a kinely big ole yard nex tuh muh noo howse, but Ah didden thank nuthin of it. Hit jiss lookt lack a big ole lonn tuh thish hyar ole hillbilly. An Ah caint say as Ah evver paid no tenshun tuh goff afoar. Ah wreckin Ah hev hyeerd folks tawk bout it. But sints hit aint got nuthin tuh dew with moonshan ner ole-fashunned country myoozick, the ole hillbilly aint paid hit no nevver mand.

Now afoar Ah tell ewe how the ole hillbilly lurnt bout goff, Ah hev tuh hicksplain tuh yall thet, kunsiddrin thuh ole hillbillys lan of bidniss, Ah wurk manely at natt an slaip durrin the day. Hit jinrilly maiks a lot moar scents tuh bile yore mash at nattam, hwin moas folks is slaipin. Hit cuts down on splainin thangs tuh folks, an moas speshully em air ding-blastid revnooers. Thay aint so akktiv at nat naither.

Hits also a sat aisier tuh maik a fellers delivrees durrin the nattam. But iffen ewe is jist startin out in the bidniss, let the ole hillbilly remand ewe tuh taik long yore twel-gaij hwin yore delivrin tuh noo kusstummers. Sum of thim folks’ll trah tuh taik a fav-fangered diskount, iffen ewe no hwut Ah main. A sawd-off twel-gaij thoad down on a feller kin be rat purrswaysiv.

So kaipin in mand thet the ole hillbilly manely slaips durrin thuh daytam, lemme hicksplain thet Ahd crawl into bed roun bout daylat. Jiss afoar cloasin the blands, Ahd look out at thuh big ole yard nex dore, an hit wood allus be nass an grain an smooth lack.

Thin Ahd waik up rat roun dark, an Ahd look out muh winders agin an Ahd see a feller a-raddin roun in a liddle kart with a thang on the frunt looks shore nuff lack a hed on a comban. An thish hyar feller on the kart’d be a-scoopin up thezhe hyar liddle hwat bawls, mebbe not kwat so big as a chikken aig. An em air bawls warnt out thar in the mornin. Thaid groe up er git laid er git plantid durrin the daytam. An then evver evenin, thish hyar feller’d come long in his liddle comban an harvist em.

So the ole hillbilly got tuh thankin an a-wundrin, Jiss hwat is em air liddle bawls? An jiss hwa is at air feller out a-harvestin em evver evenin?

So Ah did sum thankin, an Ah did sum moar thankin. The ole hillbilly jinrilly trahs not to thank. Hits hard work a-thankin. But Ah kep a-seein em air liddle aig thangs, an at air liddle comban, an Ah fanly disadded thet em air liddle aig thangs warnt aigs, but mushrumes. Ah cooden thank of no burd thet’d lay its aigs lack thet, jiss thoad down rat on top of the grass, thouten no nest ner nuthin. An em air liddle hwat thangs wuz jiss a-growin too fast fer em tuh be ennythang but sum sort of mushrume er todestool. An Ah figgered at noboddy in air rat mand ud groe todestools on perpuss. Aint noboddy wants tuh ate todestools. But folks pay good munny fer mushrumes. The ole hillbilly has dun et a hole passle of mushrumes hiz own seff. Hwin a fellers livin back in the woods, sumtams they aint much tuh ate seppin possums an mushrumes an haycorns.

After Ah hed dun figgered this out, one mornin Ah seed one of em air mushrumes in muh yard. Hit had bin one rat hard nat, so Ah didden go out an pick it. Ah jiss left it thar, hwat an roun in muh yard.

Hwin Ah fanly woak up roun bout ate oclock that evenin, the mushrume wuz still air in muh yard. An thin Ah spad a nutherun, siddin purdy cloast tuh the furst un Ahd seed.

Ah figgered thet em air mushrumes wuz voluntairs thet hed dun groad up in the ole hillbillys yard.

Now the ole hillbilly wunst run acrost thish hyar feller hoo wuz a-tawkin awl the tam bout the redistribyooshen of weth. At air feller sed, The rich folks is rich cozzen thaze a-takin it fum the pore folks. An the pore folks otter take sum back fum the rich folks.

Ah aint nevver fergot at air feller. An Ah aint lackly tuh fergit im. Feller still oaze the ole hillbilly fitty dollers fer fav jugs of mash. So hwin the feller gits out of jale this tam, the ole hillbilly an his twel-gaij is gonna pay him a vizit.

Ennywaze, back tuh hwut Ah wuz a-sayin. Ah figgerd thet, even iffen em folks with the big yard wuz a-watchin at air mushrume crop with aigle ahz, thay cooden cumplane nun iffen the ole hillbilly pickt a kupple of em air mushrumes thet had groad up in his oan yard. So Ah wint down an pickt em.

Thet wuz a suppraz in itseff. Em air mushrumes didden hav no stems. They wuz jist a-sittin on top of the groun.

They wuz perrfickly roun, seppin they had thezhe hyar liddle dints awl oaver em. An they wuz smujjed along one sad tuh hwir hit almoas lookt lack rattin.

Ah tuck em insad an washt em, an Ah trad tuh bat down on one of em. Hit almoas broak muh bess set of fawce taith.

Ah figgerd sum moar, an Ah popt em into a pot with sum wadder in it an put em on the stoav tuh bal a hwal.

Ah let em bal bout an arr, but thay warnt no bedderen hwin Ah thoad em in the pot. Thay wuz still hardern a revenooers hart.

So thin Ah figgerd a hwal moar, an Ah stuck em in a liddle pot with sum of muh speshul rokkit fule mash–jiss a bit moarn enuff tuh cuvver em up.

They soffened up purdy good in jiss bout haff an arr. Thin Ah bald em a bit moar, an bit intuh one.

Well, hit didden brake muh fawce taith. But hit warnt nuthin thet the ole hillbilly thot naidid aiten. Hit took me fav minnits tuh choo thew one bat. Hit put me in mand of hwin Ah wuz a yung feller of fittain er sixtain, aitin sum of em air mate bawls fum the skool kafftearya. Ah member tellin muh third-grade taicher thet em air mate bawls warnt fit fer nuthin sepp thowin at the ole boar hawgs. Ah member she didden ansser me nun, but she yoozhly didden. She jiss rolt her ahs at me an tole me tuh git on back in muh seat an trah tuh pay tenshun tuh the lessin fer a chainj.

Ennywaze, em air mushrumes warnt no bedder thin the mate bawls fum muh skook kafftearya. So Ah thoad em in the trash. Aint no yoos tuh ait nuthin lack thet. An they warnt no boar hawgs roun tuh thow em at.

The nex evenin, Ah seed one of em air fellers out on his comban. Ah staggerd out onto the big yard an flagged im down.

Temme, Ah sed. Jist hwut dew ewe fellers dew with thezhe hyar mushrumes ewes a-harvestin?

Mushrumes? the feller axed.

Mushrumes, Ah riplad. Ah bint down an scoopt one up fum the yard. Lack thish hyar mushrume. Jiss hwut dew yall dew with em? Ah caint figger out how a feller cood ait one.

Them aint mushrumes, the feller ansserd. Them is goff bawls.

Goff bawls? Ah axed.

Yiss, goff bawls. The feller lookt kinely sadwaze at the ole hillbilly. Aint yawl nevver herd of no goff bawls?

Ah thunk about it a liddle bit. Ah caint wreckulleck nevver seein no goff. Do they jiss thow em nacherl-lack, er dew yawl hav tuh cut em? Raisin Ah axe, Ah aint herd no skwallin. An Ah caint majin no animull thettid jist thow em on the groun lack that. Hit souns rat panefull.

The feller kummincet tuh laffin. Goff aint no animull! he sed hwin haid got his breth back. Goff is a gaim!

A gaim? Ah sed.

Yiss, a gaim, he sed. An thin he tole the ole hillbilly awl about it–bout how folks’ll go hwack em air liddle bawls with crookid sticks, a-trahin tuh nock em into liddle holes in the groun.

Hwin he wuz dun hicksplainin it to me, he sed, Aint chew nevver herd of no goff afoar?

Ah skracht muh haid. Ah gess Ah hev hyeerd tell of it, Ah sed. But Ah didden pay it no nevver mand.

The feller lafft at me agin. Well, he sed. Yore howse is rat smack dab up ginst the dravvin rainj of the Minicodda Goff Club hyar in Miniapples.

The dravvin rainj? Ah axed.

Yiss, he hicksplained. The rich folks in the club go up air an drav the bawls down hyar fer praktiss.

Rich folks? Ah axed.

Yiss, thaze a hole passle of rich folks plaze goff hyar, sed the feller.

Ah thunk bout it. The ole hillbilly hez bin pore awl his laff, an Ah doant no much bout rich folks. But Ah dew no thet rich folks’ll drank mash. So Ah axed the feller, Duz it cost ennythang to san up fer thish hyar club?

The feller sed, Yiss, hit duz. Thin he lookt at the ole hillbilly a liddle bit, kinely ahin muh overhauls an butes an muh straw hat.

Doant temme thet ewez a-thankin bowt plahin tuh be a member of the Minicodda Goff Club, he sed.

The thot mebbe past thew muh haid, Ah ruplad.

The feller kummincet thin tuh grinnin, thin wint on tuh smalin, fum thair tuh laffin, an thin tuh slappin his neez, an fanly he felt tuh the groun an startid rollin roun, laffin so much he drawd a liddle crowd of other fellers a-wurkin on the goff coarse. Thay come oaver an axed him iffen he wuz aw rat. He hicksplaint thet Ah wantid tuh be a member of the Minicodda Goff Club. An thin they awl kummincet tuh laffin an roalin roun on thuh groun an pointin at the ole hillbilly till Ah bigin tuh fail kinely senstiv lack.

So Ah sloped off back tuh muh howse an drank me a pant er fore of mash as bomb fer muh woondid hart. After awl, the ole hillbilly hez got hiz prad, aiven iffen Ah dew trah tuh ait goff bawls.

Down at the grossry stoar

Yestiddy evenin the ole hillbilly divvelupt hizzeff a swate tooth. Hit happins purdy reggler lack hwin Ah hev had me a supper of deep-frahd possum with turnup grains.

So the ole hillbilly fahrd up the flatbed an droav up tuh thish hyar stoar Ah hed seed a kupple er thray tams befoar. Hits cawlt Whole Foods, an the ole hillbilly kinely lackt the sownd of thet. After awl, the ole hillbilly aint perticklerly intristid in no parshul er frackshunul foods. Jist gimme the whole thang. Hits lack goin tuh one of em air fantsy pants risterawnts hwar thay brang a feller a big ole plate with bowt a bat er too a food on it, awl dun up suh purdy hit doant hardly same rat tuh take a bat. An thin hwin a feller gits rown tuh taken a bat, thets jist bowt awl yer gonna git–jist one bat an thin a big ole check.

So Ah droav the flatbed up tuh the Whole Foods an figgered owt how tuh git in the dore, an then Ah kummincet tuh lookin rown. Ah warnt kwat shore jist iggzackly hwut Ah wuz lookin rown at. Thay wuz awl sorts of thangs thar, an sum of Ah figgered owt wuz food, but sum of em Ah railly warnt kwat shore. Ah tuck me a bat of sumthin in one bin, thankin hit wuz a liddle biddy cake, an hit turnt owt to be a cake of sope. The ole hillbilly aint fond of no sope noways, an speshly not iffen hits maskeraidin as food.

Ah wuz wanderin rown, lookin at this that and tother thang, hwin thish hyar feller in a aperun comes up an says, Kin Ah hepp ewe?

Ah lookt him up an down. He wuz rown bowt six fate tawl, an he matta wade a hunnert pownds, iffen a feller added in the rangs an studs an chanes an hwatnot thet wuz stuck in his airs an ahbrows and lips an faice an skapp an awl.

Ah am a-lookin fer me sum deezert, Ah tole thuh yung feller.

We got awl sorts of deezerts hyar, he sed. Yawl got ennythin pertickler in mand?

Well, Ah said, Ah kinely had in mand tuh git me a RC cola an a moon pah. Ahm kinely parshul tuh the nanner ones iffen ewe got em.

Thuh feller kinely lookt at me an sed, Ah doant rekkin we got us no RC cola, an Ah caint say as Ah hev evver hyeerd of moon pahs. But lemme fix yuh up with sumpthin bedder an moar hellthy lack.

Ah dun had muh heth food, Ah sed. In fack, Ah had me two heppins of possum. Thets hwah Ah wuz a-wantin sumthin swate tuh finnish off muh mail.

Well, Ahma gonna git ewe sumthin thets boath swate an hellthy. Ewe jist foller me rown, an Ahll thow sum thangs in yer baskit thar.

So we wint rown the stoar, an the ole boy thoad sum thangs in muh baskit, an he kepp sayin, Now thish hyar iz a soadie pop maid with awl-nacherl ingraidyents, an thish hyar is glooten-fray tater chips, an thish hyar iz ahs crame fer paiple hooze lack toes intollernt, an thish hyar is sum matty good cheese, an thish hyar iz lack mate, seppin hits maid owtta vejtubbles, an thish hyar is almoas iggzackly lack a cookie, seppin hit doant hurt nuthin tuh make it, not animulls ner vejtubbles ner froot ner nothin. Hits hwut folks cawl a vegan cookie. Ah rekkin hittle dew awl rat fer yer moon pah.

Thin he tuck me up tuh the cash rijister, an thin he tuck me oaver tuh the lone offiss, an Ah tuck owt a thurd morgij on muh howse jist tuh bye me two sacks of awl-nacherl grossries. Ah aint shore Ah kin afford tuh bye me no moar of em air Whole Foods. Ah rekkin Ah mat half tuh go back tuh byin haff er kwarter foods.

Ennywaze, Ah tuck muh two sax of grossries an wint hoam, an Ah pored me sum awl-nacherl soadie pop an tuck owt muh awl-nacherl cookie thet appairently aint maid owt of nuthin.

An thin Ah tuck me a bat of at air cookie, an Ah chood on it a bit, an Ah set air an got to thankin an a-wunnderin, Jist hwar hev Ah ivver taistid ennythang lack thish hyar cookie afoar?

An after a hwal hit come to me. Ah membered one tam hwin me an muh bruther wuz havvin us a dirt clod baddle owt in the hog pin back at thuh farm. An muh bruther took a good thow, an he hit me plum in the mowth with a dirt clod thet had moren a liddle left-oaver hog in it.

An thet is iggzackly hwut at air vegan cookie taistid lack.

So Ah thowed owt the rest of the cookie, an Ah tuck me a drank of awl-nacherl soadie pop, an thin Ah thowed it owt too. An thin Ah wint threw muh uther two bags of grossries an Ah taistid awl the rest of muh awl-nacherl grossries, an Ah thowed bowt awl of em owt.

Seppin the cheese. Ah didden thow owt the cheese.

Them cheese are good.

Naibers

Ah tole yall hwut happind with the ole hillbilly an the skeeters down at Lake Calhoon. Well, wunst Ah hed givven up on fishin, the ole hillbilly staggerd back up the rode tuh muh howse, figgerin thet iffen Ah wuz a ottomobeel I’d be rown bout fore pants er so low of ole on thuh dipstik. Firse thangs bein nacherl-waz first, Ah drankt up rown bowt six pants of muh speshul rokkit fule mash, hwich the ole hillbilly keeps a speshul barl of tucked awaze. Ah figgerd thet six pants otter bowt fill me back up an give me a liddle leeways, casen Ah hed sprung a lake fum the skeeters a-batten on me.

Wunst Ah wuz topt off, Ah rekkind Ah wud bile off anuther gallen er fore of muh mash. Soze Ah lit me a far under muh still an kummincet tuh bilin.

Bowt then a feller moseyed down the path besads muh howse. He wuz awl cleand up sumpthin fierce, an his hare wuz awl combed an shanny lack, an he wuz a-warin a pank shirt an sum blew britches. Ah figgerd he hadden nevver wore no overhauls an probly didden even have nun in his war drobe.

Ennyways, thish hyar feller moseyed up an he sez, Ah rekkin ewes the noo naiber hyar bouts.

Ah tuk a pull on muh jug an Ah sez, Ah rekkin so, lessen thaze summun nooer.

Aint nun thet Ah noe nuthin bowt, sez thuh feller. Thin thish hyar feller kumminces to nozin bowt, an purt sune he pix up one of muh cain poals and ahz it a hwal kinely seryus lack.

Thet aint fer sail, Ah sez. Hits muh speshul fishin poal.

Ah aint a wantin tuh bah it, the feller shot back. Ah wuz jist a-thankin, tho, thet thish hyar cain poal lucks rat smart lack sum bam boo thet Ah had in muh yard. Aint so mutch of it now as I had afoar. Ahm a-thankin mebbe sum feller cut down sum of muh bam boo and maid it into fishin poals.

Ah kinely lookt at the feller an axed him, Ewe cyoozin me of stailin yore bam boo?

Ah aint cyoozin ewe of nuthin, the feller sed. Ahm jist maikin a obser vayshun.

Ah skratcht muh haid. Ah doant no nuthin bowt no obser vayshun, nor nuthin bowt no vayshuns at awl. But seein as yer muh naiber, Ah rekkin Ah ott tuh awffer ewe a drank.

Ah pored sum mash intuh an ole Bama jelly jar an handid it tuh the feller. He kinely giv it a goggly look, kinely lack he wuz one of em air wall-ahed fish thet thay hev got up hyar.

Go ahaid an drank it, Ah sed. Hits gud fer hwat ails yuh. Ennywaze hits moasly wadder.

So the feller tuk him a sip, an then his faice terned panker than his shirt, an his haid kinely swelt up bowt fore er fav tams hits yoozhul saz, an thin he felt down on the groun. He lade thar on his sad an kummincet tuh kikkin rown in liddle sirkles an barkin lack a dog thet hez dun et a week-old skunk offen thuh rode an thin desadded that warnt the best noshun thet evver run thew his haid.

Ah let the feller bark an kikk a hwal, thin Ah hault him up an give him a nuther nip of muh mash. He wint awl stiff lack, jist lack a bored, an his faice ternt the purdiest blew culler the ole hillbilly hez ever sane.

Him beein all stiff lack, ewe wood thank hade a bin hard to kerry, but hit warnt so bad. I jist thoad him oaver muh shoalder an hawlt him back oaver tuh his howse. His waff seed me yankin him up thuh steps, an she bussled owt an startid a-bawlin an askin, Hwut in the wurl ivver happint? Oh lordy lordy.

Yore huzbind got hizzeff a drankin problim, Ah said. Feller jist caint hoald his likker.

But she jist kepp a-bawlin an cawlin lordy lordy, so the ole hillbilly kinely sloped away.