I took this shot a few weeks ago. I had gone out to Swede Lake, a shallow little lake west of the Twin Cities, to try a little bit of bowfishing. I didn’t see any carp–or any other fish, for that matter. But I did get a photo of the moon over the bow of my canoe.
Thish hyar ole hillbilly aint much fer beleevin in thangs other foaks sez. Foaks’ll tell yuh, “Thish hyar sham pooh will make yore hair shannier and git ewe more wimmen then ewe kin shake a stick at.”
Ain’t no truth to it. Truss me. Bin air; dun at; got the scars on muh skalp tuh pruve it.
But sinst Ah wuz jist a liddle ole hillbilly, thaze one thang Ah had hyeerd tell thet Ah thott wuzz the God’s most honestest truth.
Ah wuz told tam an tam agin they ain’t no way a carp’s gonna take a lerr. An Ah wint an toald foaks the same thang. “Doant aiven thank about it,” Ah’d say. “Aint no carp nohwirr no tam noways evver taken no lerr.”
Well, culler thish hyar ole hillbilly a bratt shade of rong.
Yissterdy aivnin, Ah wuzz out fishin on Lake of the Als. Ah wuzz fishin with a lerr–a Rappluh Shaller Shad. Ah thoad it in cloast tuh the bank, twixt thuh bank an a mess of lily pads–an sumthin hit it.
Ah thot: at air is a natty fan bass.
Ah coulden take no lan up on the rail. Ah’d tern thuh handle, an Ah coulden git it tuh do nothin.
Purdy soon, Ah disaddid hit coulden be no bass. Hit was too big.
Fanly Ah got it up tuh the surfiss soze Ah kud see it. An hit warnt nuthin seppin a big ole carp.
Ah didden wanna brake muh rod ner bust muh lan, speshly coz Ah am rat fond of thuh Rappluh lerr Ah wuz a-yoozin. Soze Ah took muh naidle-nose plars an pluckt thuh lerr outen the ole carp’s mouth.
Ah taiken a cupple of pitchers. Thay aint suh sharp, mainly cozz thuh ole carp wuz a-moovin all thuh tam. But hittle give ewe an eye-deer. Ah wreckin thuh ole thang wood go mebbe ate er ten pownz.
Ah aint suh prowd bowt ketchin me no carp, seppin Ah cott it on a lerr. Thet’s strainj. Iffen Ah hadden had enuff mash tuh drank, Ah matter thott Ah wuz havin me sum deleeryum tree mens. In fack, Ah wuz suh consarned Ah give muhseff a blood test atter Ah let thuh ole carp go. Ah drawed off bout a teaspoon of blood and put a match to it. Shore nuff, hit burnt jiss fan, with a long blue flame. At let me no thet muh blood alkie haul content wuz jiss rat.
Laiter on, Ah ketched me a purdy nass liddle ole bass. Thuh ole carp woodah maid sicks er seven of at air liddle ole bass. Still, Ah lackt thuh ole bass a hoal sat bedder. Carp’s jiss an ugly critter. Kanly remands me of a praicher Ah yooster no, feller yooster come rown an preech tuh me bowt goin tuh church. Mebbe haze dun bin re in car naited.
Thish hyar ole hillbilly hez bin rat bizzy laitly, hwut with bilin up an boddlin mash, not tuh menshin drankin it two. Corse, hit wooden be rat fer me tuh sell nobawdy no mash thouten me a-knowin hwether hit wuz fit fer drankin. Soze Ah moas jinrully drank a kwart er fore a day.
Ennywaze, Ah bin plannin tuh git owt an dew moar fishin. Ah dun wint an taiken a pitcher of sum of muh lerrs. Hit hepps kaip me in mand of fishin.
Yestiddy aivnin Ah drug muh liddle kayak down tuh Lake Calhoon an wint fishin. Hit wuz rat windy on Calhoon hwin Ah kummincet tuh fishin, an Ah warnt ketchin nuthin nohow. So Ah disaddid to paddle up tuh Lake of the Als, hwitch is the nex lake fum Lake Calhoon.
Ah paddled up an startid tuh thowin muh lerrs aroun. Ah wuz moas jinrully yoozin me sum Rappluhs–sum crankbates an a gold minner bate.
Ah fanly ketched me wun liddle ole bass. He warnt but bout twel inchiz long, but he put up kwat a fat.
Ah hed juss let at un go hwin Ah hyeerd thish hyar feller sang out, “Ewe ketchin ennythang?”
Ah lookt up, an they wuz a feller sitting on a fantsy boat. He had him wun of em air lecktrick troallin moaders soze he didden haff tuh paddle nun. They wuz ateteen er twenny fishin poals stackt on the deck an a tackle bocks thuh saz of a steemer trunk.
“Ah aint cot but wun,” Ah riplad, “an hit warnt harley wurth talkin bout.”
“Hwatchoo yoozin fer lerrs?” he axed.
“Manely Rappluhs,” Ah sed. Ah hedd up muh poal an shoad thuh feller muh gold minnerbate Rappluh. “Thish hyar is hwut Ahma yoozin now.”
Thuh feller lookt at it. “Hwah, at air’s a fan lerr. Iffen ewe aint cott yore limit awreddy, Ah wreckin ewe doant no much bout fishin.”
Ah thot a seckund bowt thuh fellers rimark. “Ah wreckin ewe got at rat,” Ah sed. Thin Ah shoad him muh flask. “Say, ewe look lack a feller hoo wooden say no tuh a drop of mash. Zat rat?”
“Mash?” the feller axed.
“Well, ewe kin cawl hit craft hwisky, iffen ewe lack. Ah distilled hit muhseff.”
Thuh feller goggled at thuh flask fer a hwal, thin raiched owt fer it. “Ah spoaz hit woant hurt me nun.”
He unscrood the cap an taiken hizzeff a liddle sip. Corse mah mash doant smell lack much a nuthin, sints hits manely alkiehaul.
Ah wreckin hit past the sniff test, coz thuh feller tipt the flask up an taiken hizzeff a purdy good sip.
Lack Ah figgered, thuh ole boy hadden bin born an bred a-drankin moonshan. Hiz ahs kummincet rat away tuh glaze oaver, lack a kupple of Krispy Kraim doanuts. Thin he startid sladdin kanly slow-lack outen his chare.
Fore he hit the wadder, Ah raiched out an grabbed muh flask. Aint no yoose waistin good mash, an speshly aint no yoose in waistin thuh ole hillbilly’s speshul Rokkit Fule Mash.
He went in, an Ah took me a sip an thot bout it a hwal. Thin Ah disadded thet thuh ole boy wuz rat. Ah doant ratly no nuthin bout fishin. Ah aint good fer ketchin nuthin seppin skeeter bats.
So Ah fisht him owt, thoad him up on his boat, an waived muh flask under hiz noze. He kummincet tuh snortin an coffin, an he shot bowt a gallin a wadder owt of his noaze. But thin he seddled down an startid braithin reggler lack.
Ah disaddid thin tuh go on bowt muh way. An Ah aivin let thuh ole boy kaip muh gold Rappluh minner-bate.
Corse, Ah disaddid thet after wurkin fer tin minnits tuh git the treble hooks out of his chaik. Ah warnt dewin no good at it nowaze.
Ahm pickin up fum hwir Ah left off lass tam:
Well, not iggzackly a cain poal, Ah replad. More lack sicks er sevvin cain poals. Hits good tuh hav a spare casen sumthin happins tuh one er tuther.
The feller tuck out a hankerchiff an wapt his foarhaid. Well, Ah deeclair, he sed. Ah aint nevver herd the lack.
Ah no, Ah sed. Moas folks aint as fourthotfull as thish hyar ole hillbilly.
The feller giv a daip ole sah. An ah wreckin ewe aint got no rails on nun of em air cain poals.
Yis sir, Ah sed. Hwut wood a feller dew with a rail on a cain poal?
The feller wapt his foarhaid agin. Well, aint nuthin fer it, he sed. Waze gonna hav tuh git ewe set up with rods an rails boath. Ah caint hav ewe goin out air, gittin skunkt an a-yoozin cain poals. Ah fail a sponsibillty to yuh. Ah jiss caint hav at happin. So lets git goin.
He taken out thish hyar liddle wokkie-tokkie thang an spoak into it. A kupple of fellers come up with foar er fav moar carts. The yung feller started goin thew the als, thowin in furst one rod and thin a nuther.
Thish hyar rods fer pitchin, he sed. Thissuns fer flippin. Thish hyar is yer crankbait rod. Hyars ewe a jerkbait rod. Hyars one fer spinnerbaits. Hyars one fer spinners. Thish hyar rod is maid jiss fer castin yer holler frogs an mass an sichlack. Thissun’ll dew fer yer topwadders—yer propbaits an yer chuggers an yer poppers an yer Spooks an sechlack. Thissun’s good fer small swimbaits. Thissun’s awl rat fer big swimbaits. Hyar’s one fer yer Carlanna rigs. Hyar’s one fer yer Texuss rigs. Hyars one fer yer Alleybammer rigs. Hyar’s a croppy rod. Hyar’s a panfish rod. Hyar’s a—
Jiss hoal on, Ah sed. Ewe got me rods fer Carlanna, Texuss, an Alleybammer. Aint yawl got nun fer Minisoda?
The feller giv a good laff. Aint no Minisoda rig thet Ah evver hyeerd tell uv, he sed. But they is sum fish hyar thet ewe naid the rat rods fer. So lets thow in a few musky rods, an a kupple of rods fer northurn pack, an sum wallah rods. Ewe naid ewe sum rods fer trollin, an sum fer ahs fishin, an sum fer catfishin. Coarse yule naid ewe sum flah rods—lets make it aisy an say two fer evver lan wait fum two thew nan, with one set up fer drah flahs an tuther set up fer wet flahs. Aint no use in gittin no moar complikaitid then that.
He thoad in a kupple duzzin moar rods. Thin he kummincet tuh thowin in rails. Wail have tuh have one fer aich rod, he sed, an thin yule want ewe sum spairs, casen one brakes down. An they aint no yooce bahin nun of thim chaip ones. Ah doant want tuh say ewe back in hyar next waik, a-tellin me how ewe dun lost a wreckered musky cozzen Ah soad ewe a chaip rail. So less start off with ewe a kupple of thezhe hyar Shimano Calcuttas, an a few Daiwa Saltigas, an sum Aboo Garseeya Revvo Toro Winchis, an thish hyar Daiwa Pixy fer yer finesse fishin, an sum Shimano Curados, an a Daiwa Staze er thray, an fer flah rails yule naid ewe sum Abels an sum Tahbors an . . .
He wint on lack thish fer sum tam. Thin he startin tuh showin me lan. Lookie hyar at thish hyar lan, he sed. Hits the fannest lan evver maid. Hits a thousan-poun tess, hits thinnern a hyoomin hare, an hits invizzibull in the wadder.
Ah lookt at it. Hits purdy much invizzibull in the air, too, Ah sed. Ewe shore thaze sumthin on at air spool?
Hits matty hard tuh say, the feller sed. But jiss fail it. Hits fannern ennythang.
I fett roun on the spool a hwal, an fanly Ah sed, Hit jiss fails lack the spool. Ewe jiss hab so lootly shore thaze lan on air?
Hit lays flattern anythang, he sed. Hits trooly a wunder. Thaze twell pattints on it. Caint nuthin hold a candle to it.
Jist how is a feller spozed tuh tah at air lan? Ah axed.
Hit makes a fan not, he sed. Hits aisy tuh tah. Hit aint lack yore braid er yore floorokarbin. Coarse, yule naid sum of thim too, as well as yer ole mono fillment.
Hwa dew Ah naid awl em sorts of lans?
Diffurnt cundishuns cawls fer diffurnt lans. Prezentayshun, prezentayshun, prezentayshun. Hits awl in the prezentayshun.
Well, Ah wreckin yood bess set me up with awl hwut Ah naid.
He kummincet tuh thowin in spools of lan. Thin he thowed in laider of awl sorts, an snap swivvils, an swivvils, an waits maid out of tattanyum, hwich he sed wuz hevviern led, an flotes an baids an stoppers an tackle boxes an fishin vests an furst one thang an thin tin moar.
Fanly he wapt his haid agin, an he kummincet tuh goin thew the carts, lookin evverthang over. Thin he cawlt up a nuther feller on the wokkie-tokkie.
Thish hyar feller wuz oalder. His ahs were boath blew, seppin one wuz blewern tuther, an shannyer, an hit didden moove roun nun. His hare wuz jist a marvel. He had a part down rat roun his earloab, an he hed traned up thray er fore stranz of hare fum thair, an haid rapt em roun his haid so careful lack a feller jist had tadmarr how much of his skapp wuz cuvverd up. Ah thot bout menshinnin it to him, but he jiss doav rat in an went thew awl the carts, dubble-checkin evverthang.
Fanly, he stopt an lookt at the yung feller with his less shanny ah .
The yung feller sed, Ah didden miss nuthin, did Ah?
The oalder feller shook his haid rat careful, a-maikin shore his hare didden go slip-sladdin away. Ahm supprazzed, he sed. Ewe got hit jist bout awl rat, but lookie hyar at thezhe hyar baitcastin rails.
Thuh feller lookt at the carts with the baitcastin rails in em. Them look fan tuh me, he sed. Aint nuthin in thair no chaipern Revo STX.
Thet aint the thang, the older feller sed. Jiss ewe take a nuther look.
The yung feller lookt agin. Well, mah lan, he sed. Thems awl rat-hand ruhtrayv.
Thets rat, the older feller sed. Ewer gonna send him outta hyar thouten a sangle leff-hand ruhtrayv.
The yunger fellers shoalders droopt lack a pan tray cuvverd with snow. Ah am jiss so terrbull sorry, he sed. Ah will ficks at up rat now.
Hold on a minnit, Ah sed. Jist hwa duz a feller naid both rat-hand an leff-hand ruhtray rails?
The two feller lookt at aich uther, thin thay lookt at me, an thin thay lookt back at aich other. Fanly the yungern sed, Well, hit maiks jist a world of diffurnce in how the lerrs werk.
Thets rat, the older feller chammed in. Sumtams a feller naids a leff-hand ruhtrayv. Caint nuthin be dun bout it, lessen the feller doant care nun bout catchin no fish.
Well, Ah sed. Ah wreckin Ahd lack tuh ketch me sum leff-handid fish as well as rat-handid fish. So ficks me up with sum moar rails.
The yung feller startid tuh go, but Ah thoad out muh hand. But wait jist a minnit. Mebbe ewe ott tuh set me up with sum leff-handid lan, an sum leff-handid hooks, an sum leff-handid rods hwalst yore at it.
The yung feller stopt lack haid run up ginst a lettric fence. His ahs got wad, an his lips kummincet tuh twitchin. But thin the ole feller let out a laff. Now aint thet a goodun! he croad. He lafft harder, slappin his naze an lookin roun fer an oddyence fer us awl. Ewe bout had me goin, he sed. Ah thott fer bout a minnit thare thet ewe didden no no beddern tuh axe fer leff-handid lan an sich-lack. He heeved a sah er two, thin he wapt his arm crosst his mouth an sed tuh the yung feller, Yawl go off an git him sum rat-handid baitcastin rails. An lemme no iffen ewe run crost enny rat-handid lan. An thin he kummincet tuh laffin agin.
After a hwal, thay had me a nuther mess of rails. Thin thay lookt it oaver agin, an they thoad in a few moar lans an laiders an sich lack. Thin the ole feller turnt tuh me an sed, Well, this aint much. But it shood be a fare start. Thin ewe kin come back an let us no hwat else ewe naid.
Well, Ah sed, Ah kin tell ewe one thang rat now.
The ole one’s haid drodd back lack a turdle thet hed seed a feller with a hoe a-commin after it. Hwuts thet? he axed.
Well, Ah came in hyar tuh get me sum bug spray. Thezhe hyar skeeters up hyar’ll eat up a feller sumthin fairce. Ah want yawl tuh fix me up with yore fannest bug spray.
Yawl doant naid no bug spray, the yungun sed. Hwutchawl naid is thish hyar deevass.
He shoad me thish hyarl liddle plasstick thang. He sed it held sum bug spray an a liddle fan. Hwin ewe tern this liddle switch, he sed, hit terns on thish hyar liddle fan, the bug spray wafts roun ewe in a gennle mist. Ittle shore nuff keep them skeeters way fum yuh thouten ewe havin tuh go sprayin nuthin on yuh an rurin yer fan close.
Ah sed, Well, thet sounz lack the thang. Jiss thow bout a hunnert of them in a cart fer me.
The yung feller jumpt tuh dew it, an purdy soon Ah had me a kupple of carts of lecktric-pard bug spray.
Thin thay taken the cairvan down tuh the checkout, an they got a flait of checkers tuh start rangin up evverthang.
Hwalst thay wuz a-rangin up evverthang, they taken me into the loan offiss an got me wurkin on a new morgij fer muh house. Bah the tam we had it awl figgered out, thay had the yung feller an the ole feller an the loan offsser an the stoar mannijer an the sisstint stoar mannijer an a kupple of underratters in thish hyar liddle confrince room with me.
Fanly Ah fetched a pinsill out of muh oaverhauls an startid tuh san the loan dokkimints. The stoar mannijer stopt me an handid me his pin. Hyar, he sed. Yooze thissun. Hits a Mont Blonk.
I taken up the pin, an he shoad me how to git it tuh rat. Ah put muh hand down tuh san, an thin Ah taken it up. Ewe no, Ah sed, back hwurr Ah come fum, down roun Rootwad Township, Missouri, hwin folks gits tuhgither on a dail lack thissun, thail moas jinrilly have a drank foar sannin ennythang.
Well, Ah jiss doant no, sed the mannijer, hit beein bidniss arrs an awl.
Ah lade down the pin an lookt at him. An hyar Ah thot Ah wuz mungst frends, Ah sed. Ah wuz countin on yawl tuh look after an ole hillbilly lack Ah wuz yore frend. Ah wreckin Ah wuz rong.
Now, doant go sayin thet, sed the mannijer. Weze awl frends hyar.
Well, iffen weze frends, then hit aint bidniss arrs. Hits tam fer us tuh be frendly lack. An frends’ll take a drank togither, doant madder nun hwat the clock sez.
Ah aint nevver thot bout it that way, the mannijer sed. Ah wreckin aint no harm in taken a drank with a frend. Hits fav clock sumhwirs ennywaze. He cawlt oaver tuh the sissint mannijer. Ah thank we got us a boddle of wan roun hyar. Er mebbe ewe cood aiven russle us up sum shampain.
Ah put muh hand out tuh the sisstint mannijer. Aint no yooce in ewe stirrn yer stumps, Ah sed. Ah brot muh own fan-drankin mash.
Ah pult a jug outen muh oaverhauls, an they awl loud how thaid be glad tuh have a drank with me. Furst thay trad tuh pore it into sum ole plasstick glassiz, but thay didden wurk at awl. The mash jiss wint rat thew em. But thin thay foun sum coffee cups, an we awl figgered thaid wurk jiss fan.
So Ah pored us dranks awl roun, toppin up thair cups purdy good. Thin Ah sed, Hyars mud in yer ah, an Ah thoad muh mash down muh thoat.
The uthers awl trad tuh foller soot. But hit didden tern out so well. A kupple of em jist keelt oaver rat away. The yung feller fell onto the flore an startid in tuh hwimprin an crahin an suckin his thumm. The ole fellers hare untwistid fum offen his skap, an hiz glass ah bload out of his haid an roalt crost the table tuh me. Ah pickt it up an slipped it in muh pokkit. A glass ah can come in rat handy sumtams.
The sisstin mannijer stood up, sed Scyooze me, an stumbled oaver to a clozzit in the corner. He wint in an clozed the dore behand him. Ah cood hyar him bumpin ginst the walls an sichlack, still sayin Scyooze me, scyooze me.
The stoar mannijer wuz jiss sittin thar, his ahs lookin diffurnt dreckshuns, his hans a-kanly scrabblin on the table lack liddle crabs, an his mouth workin lack he had peanut budder stuck tuh the roof of it.
Ah taken up the loan dokkimints agin an lookt thew em. Ah maid bout foar er fav manner awlterayshuns. Thin Ah nisshuld the awlterayshuns, an Ah put the Mont Blonk pin back in the stoar mannijers hand an got his nisshuls on the awlterayshuns.
Thin Ah taken the Mont Blonk pin an stuck it in muh bib oaverhauls an wint back out tuh the checkers. Ah shoad em the loan dokkiments, an thay scrambled roun till they could git me awl the munny fer the cash back on the loan.
Hwalst thay wuz loadin up the flatbed, Ah stept back into the confrince room. Hit wuz purdy much lack hit had bin. Ah let the sisstint mannijer out of the clozzit, an he staggerd oaver into a corner an kummincet tuh bumpin roun in it, sayin, Scyooze me. Scyooze me.
Ah wint oaver tuh the mannijer an prad one of his hands offen the table. He hed dun skracht bout a kwarter inch into the wood. Ah shaken his hands an toal him how much Ah preeshyaited dewin bidniss with him. He lookt at me an kanly gabbled sumthin. Hwin he oapend his mouth reel wad, Ah cood see thet the mash had melted his fawce taith. Thay wuz jiss lack long strands of taffy in his mouth, an he jiss kep wurkin em roun.
Ah droav off thin. Hit taken me upperds of an arr tuh unload the flatbed awl bah muhseff. Now Ah got fishin kwipmint stoard awl oaver the house. Aint a room aint got a duzzin rods an sum tackle boxes an sichlack in it.
Now Ah no hwat yawl is thankin. Yore a-thankin, Hillbilly, ewe jiss spent ewe a mess of munny on at air fishin kwipmint, an ewe doant ratly no nothin bout fishin with nuthin seppin a cain poal.
An Ah caint disagray with yawl. Hit wuz hickspinsive. But Ah got a hunnert an fifty yairs tuh pay it awl off, an muh furst paymint doant come dew till Ahm two hunnert yairs ole. Ah wreckin a kin save enuff bah thin tuh pay a bit on it.
In the maintam, Ahma ficksin tuh ketch me sum fish . . .
Muh furst poast on thish hyar blog wuz bout me a-goin down tuh fish in Lake Calhoon, hwich is jist bout a block er so fum muh howse hyar in Miniapples.
Ah didden ketch nuthin on thet fishin trip seppin a mess a skeeter bats. But the ole hillbilly aint one tuh giv up on fishin. Ennybawdy hoo nose the ole hillbilly nose thet Ah lack me sum fishin. So Ah wuz boun an ditturmind tuh ketch me sum fish outen a Lake Calhoun. An Ah wuz also bound an ditturmind not tuh git eat up bah skeeters hwalst Ah wuz a-dewin it.
Ah figgerd thet hwut the ole hillbilly naidid in hiz baddle ginst the skeeters wuz sum hevvy artillry–in pertickler, sum bug spray suh fierce thet hit’d make the skeeters drop dead jiss thankin bout it.
So Ah taken me a jug of muh speshul rokkit fule mash an pored bout a cup of it down the carbraiter of the ole fitty-two GMC flatbed. Thin Ah fard her up an droav oaver tuh the sportin goods stoar. Ah figgerd if they wuz fellers aroun hoo noad bout baddlin skeeters, hit’d be the folks at the sportin goods stoar.
Ah maid hit thar purdy kwik, an Ah didden coz but fav er sicks rex along the way. Thezhe hyar Minisodans luvs tuh tailgate, hwich haint suh good hwin yer follerin a feller in a nantain fitty-too flatbed thouten no rair meres. Ah had to stop twast tuh prah liddle biddy cars offen the diffrenshul. Hit makes a terrbull noize a-draggin em along lack thet, speshly hwin the folks in em gets to hollerin.
Fanly Ah hove up to the sportin goods stoar. Ah wint in, an thish hyar feller slads up an sez, May Ah hepp ewe, sir?
Well, Ah kummincet a-sayin, Ah wint down tuh Lake Calhoon tuther nat to dew sum fishin, an–
So did ewe ketch ennythang then? the feller axed.
Well, not iggzackly, Ah ruplad. Ah got me a mess of skeeter bats–
But doant tell me. The feller thoad out his hand lack a poeleaseman flaggin down a spader. Ewe didden ketch nuthin.
Well, they wuz a northern pack stuck hiz noze outen the wadder–
Thet’s the way thay are, the feller sed, givvin his own head a kinely sad liddle shake. Alwaze a-teasin, nevver a-battin.
Well, Ah wreckin Ah kin git him, Ah ruplad, iffen only–
The feller brattened up. Iffen only ewe had the rat bait, he see, his ahz kinely gleemin lack.
Well, Ah wuz thankin moar–
Ewe wuz thankin moar bout the hole prezentauyshun, the feller sed.
The hwut? Ah axed.
The hole prezentayshun, the feller ruplad. Hit aint jist the bait. Coarse thets himportint ez ennythang. But iffen hit aint perzentid jist rat, em air ole fish’ll jist shuv it asad, lack it offindid em.
Iffen ewe say so, but–
But a modurn, santiffick angler lack ewe, he wint on, ewe unnerstan th’importints of prezentayshun. An Ah kin hepp ewe out with thet.
Ah tole yall hwut happind with the ole hillbilly an the skeeters down at Lake Calhoon. Well, wunst Ah hed givven up on fishin, the ole hillbilly staggerd back up the rode tuh muh howse, figgerin thet iffen Ah wuz a ottomobeel I’d be rown bout fore pants er so low of ole on thuh dipstik. Firse thangs bein nacherl-waz first, Ah drankt up rown bowt six pants of muh speshul rokkit fule mash, hwich the ole hillbilly keeps a speshul barl of tucked awaze. Ah figgerd thet six pants otter bowt fill me back up an give me a liddle leeways, casen Ah hed sprung a lake fum the skeeters a-batten on me.
Wunst Ah wuz topt off, Ah rekkind Ah wud bile off anuther gallen er fore of muh mash. Soze Ah lit me a far under muh still an kummincet tuh bilin.
Bowt then a feller moseyed down the path besads muh howse. He wuz awl cleand up sumpthin fierce, an his hare wuz awl combed an shanny lack, an he wuz a-warin a pank shirt an sum blew britches. Ah figgerd he hadden nevver wore no overhauls an probly didden even have nun in his war drobe.
Ennyways, thish hyar feller moseyed up an he sez, Ah rekkin ewes the noo naiber hyar bouts.
Ah tuk a pull on muh jug an Ah sez, Ah rekkin so, lessen thaze summun nooer.
Aint nun thet Ah noe nuthin bowt, sez thuh feller. Thin thish hyar feller kumminces to nozin bowt, an purt sune he pix up one of muh cain poals and ahz it a hwal kinely seryus lack.
Thet aint fer sail, Ah sez. Hits muh speshul fishin poal.
Ah aint a wantin tuh bah it, the feller shot back. Ah wuz jist a-thankin, tho, thet thish hyar cain poal lucks rat smart lack sum bam boo thet Ah had in muh yard. Aint so mutch of it now as I had afoar. Ahm a-thankin mebbe sum feller cut down sum of muh bam boo and maid it into fishin poals.
Ah kinely lookt at the feller an axed him, Ewe cyoozin me of stailin yore bam boo?
Ah aint cyoozin ewe of nuthin, the feller sed. Ahm jist maikin a obser vayshun.
Ah skratcht muh haid. Ah doant no nuthin bowt no obser vayshun, nor nuthin bowt no vayshuns at awl. But seein as yer muh naiber, Ah rekkin Ah ott tuh awffer ewe a drank.
Ah pored sum mash intuh an ole Bama jelly jar an handid it tuh the feller. He kinely giv it a goggly look, kinely lack he wuz one of em air wall-ahed fish thet thay hev got up hyar.
Go ahaid an drank it, Ah sed. Hits gud fer hwat ails yuh. Ennywaze hits moasly wadder.
So the feller tuk him a sip, an then his faice terned panker than his shirt, an his haid kinely swelt up bowt fore er fav tams hits yoozhul saz, an thin he felt down on the groun. He lade thar on his sad an kummincet tuh kikkin rown in liddle sirkles an barkin lack a dog thet hez dun et a week-old skunk offen thuh rode an thin desadded that warnt the best noshun thet evver run thew his haid.
Ah let the feller bark an kikk a hwal, thin Ah hault him up an give him a nuther nip of muh mash. He wint awl stiff lack, jist lack a bored, an his faice ternt the purdiest blew culler the ole hillbilly hez ever sane.
Him beein all stiff lack, ewe wood thank hade a bin hard to kerry, but hit warnt so bad. I jist thoad him oaver muh shoalder an hawlt him back oaver tuh his howse. His waff seed me yankin him up thuh steps, an she bussled owt an startid a-bawlin an askin, Hwut in the wurl ivver happint? Oh lordy lordy.
Yore huzbind got hizzeff a drankin problim, Ah said. Feller jist caint hoald his likker.
But she jist kepp a-bawlin an cawlin lordy lordy, so the ole hillbilly kinely sloped away.
Well the ole hillbilly has done up and moved agin. Ah am livin hyar in Miniapples now, in Minisoda hwar hit gits rat cold, leastways thats hwat the folks have told the ole hillbilly. Fum hwat Ah have seed so far, hit gits rat warm hyar too.
Anyways, hits a rat plezant place hyar, an Ah got me a shack jist a mosey up fum a lake hyarbouts that the folks call Calhoon. A feller tole me they is fish in at air lake, so one evenin Ah went into a naiber’s yard an cut me fav er sicks cane poals an Ah rigged me up sum fishin lans an bobbers an hooks. Thin Ah stuck muh jug of mash in a sack an staggered on down to the lake with muh fishin gear.
Well thish hyar ole hillbilly thowed in a lan, an kummincet to gittin bats rat away. They was comin fast an reggler lack. Seppin the bats warnt fish battin on muh bate. They wuz skeeters battin the ole hillbilly. An the skeeters roun hyarabouts aint no ordnerry skeeters. They is purt cloast to the saz of humminbirds.
So thaze hyar skeeters wuz havvin them a reggler drankin party offen the ole hillbilly. They wuz awl cawlin out to wun anuther, Git choreseff on down hyar! They is sum fan sippin hyar offen thish ole hillbilly! An Ah cooden do nothin bout em a sippin on me, seein as how Ah aint got but too hans. Ah was a holdin a cain poal in one hand an muh jug in tother, an Ah cooden swat nun of em air skeeters fer nuthin, seppin too er thray thet Ah hwocked rat smart with muh jug.
But hwat them thare skeeters haddent figgered on is that the ole hillbilly dranks a bit of mash ever now an thin. One tam a docter tole the ole hillbilly thet muh blood is jist rat arown thirty persint alkihaul. Thet aint suh bad, seein as how muh mash is rat roun aity persint alkihaul.
So the skeeters was drankin sum fan uncut hillbilly blood and thay kummincet tuh gittin a liddle bit tipsy lack. They startid doin loop de loops in thuh air an they was sangin an cuttin up an havvin thimsevves a fan ole tam.
But they didden no hwin tuh stop drankin fum the hillbilly fountin. They jist kep a sippin an sippin, an purt sune they cudden flah suh good. Thay startid to nosedav into the lake. Thade slap down on the wadder an lay thair, still a-sangin fit to beat the band. An thin the fish a startid in on em. They wuz a big ole northern pack thet snatcht up bout a duzzin of them thare skeeters. An then Ah rekkin the ole pack got hizzef perty drunkt up. He swum up tuh the bank and stuck hiz haid out the wadder an startid laffin at the ole hillbilly, a-poakin fun at muh overhauls an muh straw hat an muh butes an sich lack. Thin he grabbed muh cain poal an swatted me with it a tam er too.
Ah figgered thin hit wuz tam to mosey back hoam an chek on muh still . . .