Ain’t Nothin’ Says a Feller Cain’t Learn Nothin’

One Ugly Mug 2
One Ugly Mug
Thish hyar ole hillbilly aint much fer beleevin in thangs other foaks sez. Foaks’ll tell yuh, “Thish hyar sham pooh will make yore hair shannier and git ewe more wimmen then ewe kin shake a stick at.”

Ain’t no truth to it. Truss me. Bin air; dun at; got the scars on muh skalp tuh pruve it.

But sinst Ah wuz jist a liddle ole hillbilly, thaze one thang Ah had hyeerd tell thet Ah thott wuzz the God’s most honestest truth.

Ah wuz told tam an tam agin they ain’t no way a carp’s gonna take a lerr. An Ah wint an toald foaks the same thang. “Doant aiven thank about it,” Ah’d say. “Aint no carp nohwirr no tam noways evver taken no lerr.”

Well, culler thish hyar ole hillbilly a bratt shade of rong.

Yissterdy aivnin, Ah wuzz out fishin on Lake of the Als. Ah wuzz fishin with a lerr–a Rappluh Shaller Shad. Ah thoad it in cloast tuh the bank, twixt thuh bank an a mess of lily pads–an sumthin hit it.

Ah thot: at air is a natty fan bass.

Ah coulden take no lan up on the rail. Ah’d tern thuh handle, an Ah coulden git it tuh do nothin.

Purdy soon, Ah disaddid hit coulden be no bass. Hit was too big.

Fanly Ah got it up tuh the surfiss soze Ah kud see it. An hit warnt nuthin seppin a big ole carp.

Ah didden wanna brake muh rod ner bust muh lan, speshly coz Ah am rat fond of thuh Rappluh lerr Ah wuz a-yoozin. Soze Ah took muh naidle-nose plars an pluckt thuh lerr outen the ole carp’s mouth.

Ah taiken a cupple of pitchers. Thay aint suh sharp, mainly cozz thuh ole carp wuz a-moovin all thuh tam. But hittle give ewe an eye-deer. Ah wreckin thuh ole thang wood go mebbe ate er ten pownz.

Ah aint suh prowd bowt ketchin me no carp, seppin Ah cott it on a lerr. Thet’s strainj. Iffen Ah hadden had enuff mash tuh drank, Ah matter thott Ah wuz havin me sum deleeryum tree mens. In fack, Ah wuz suh consarned Ah give muhseff a blood test atter Ah let thuh ole carp go. Ah drawed off bout a teaspoon of blood and put a match to it. Shore nuff, hit burnt jiss fan, with a long blue flame. At let me no thet muh blood alkie haul content wuz jiss rat.

Laiter on, Ah ketched me a purdy nass liddle ole bass. Thuh ole carp woodah maid sicks er seven of at air liddle ole bass. Still, Ah lackt thuh ole bass a hoal sat bedder. Carp’s jiss an ugly critter. Kanly remands me of a praicher Ah yooster no, feller yooster come rown an preech tuh me bowt goin tuh church. Mebbe haze dun bin re in car naited.

Another on the Devil's Horse


The ole hillbilly perpairs tuh go a-fishin (part 2)

Ah am rat pollerjettick fer muh failyer tuh Foller up rattaway on muh praher blog poast. Thuh thang is, a kusstummer of the ole hillbilly cawlt me up an sed, Ah naid me twenny barls of mash up hyar jiss rat away.

The ole hillbilly aint one tuh leave a kusstummner dissatisfahd, So Ah loaded up the flatbed an started off tuh Hibbin, Minisoda. Thet’s jiss per near as far north as the ole hillbilly kin go. Ah dont wrekkin Ah kin go no farther thouten Ah turn into a salt lick.

Ennywayze, the ole hillbilly loaded up thurdy barls of mash on the ole flatbed and took off. The flatbed wuz a havvin vaippers, so hit taken me sicks barls of mash fer muh persnull yoose tuh git up to Hibbin. Fer thoaze of yawl doant no nuthin bout Hibbin, hits the plaice the Bobby Dyllin wuz bornd, way up in the Arn Rainj of Minisoda. Iffen ewe go up thar, hits lackly thet ewe will git a new preashyaishun fer Bobby Dyllin’s songs.

Ah got the mash delivvered, an thin hit taken me thuh rest of muh mash tuh git back hoam tuh Miniapples. In fack, afoar Ah got hoam, Ah wuz so soaber thet Ah plum near fergot how to cuss.

But back tuh muh story:

Ah wuz in the sportin goods stoar, an the feller sed, So, harr ewe set fer baits thin?

Ah sed, Ah wreckin Ahm awl rat, Ah ruplad. Ah got me a good plaice Ah found oaver in a naibers flar gardin. They is sum rat fan, fat wurms in mungst em air flars, an thuh naibers is gon purdy offin, soze Ah aint got no problim with them inneruptin me hwalst Ahm a-diggin.

The feller looked at me kanly sadwaze lack. Did ewe say wurms? he axed.

Yup, Ah sed. Lack Ah sed, they is sum big ole wurms in mungst them flar beds.

The feller shook his hed. Ah thot thets hwut ewe sed. His faice started tuh droopin. He lookt suh much lack a ole houn dawg Ah hed, Ah thot he mat dew tuh chaice down a coon. Ah wreckin Ah jist aint gonna be aible to hepp yawl.

An jiss hwah caint ewe hepp me?

Well, Ah thot ewe wuz a-wantin tuh ketch fish, he sed. But now ewe is tellin me thet ewe fish with wurms. Iffen ewe doant want tuh ketch fish, Ah caint hepp yawl nun.

Ah allus figgered wurms wuz purty good bait, Ah sed.

He shook his hed agin. Ah doant no hwar ewe hev bin fishin. Mebbe wurms is still good bait in sum ole backwadder plaices. But ewe is wantin tuh fish in Lake Calhoon. Them there fish in Lake Calhoon is suffisticaited. Ewe thow a wurm at em, thail jiss laff atcha. Thail invat thair relltivs oaver an say, Lookie hyar at this ole boy, doant no no beddern tuh thow wurms at us. Ewe will lackly wun hool thow yer hook an lan an wurm awl back atcha.

Izzat so?

Hit is, he sed. So hwatchawl naid is sum moddurn baits. Sum twenny-furst sinchry baits. Lemme show yawl hwut Ahm tawkin bout.

He grabbed a cart an startid a-hwailin it thew the ahls, thowin thangs in an tellin bout em. Thish hyar is yer topwadder lerrs, he sed. Ewe gotcher yer chuggin baits, yer poppin baits, yer verryus Spook-stal baits, an yer prop baits: sangle props, dubble props, an thezhe hyar baits with tales thet kanly flop aroun.

Thezhe hyar is yer crank baits, yer raddle baits, yer jerk baits–

Ah aint got no trubble ketchin them, Ah sed.

But he didden pay me no nevver mand. He jiss wint on, thowin thangs in muh cart. In fack, he hed dun filled the first cart an wuz a-thowin thangs in a nuther un, tawkin awl the hwal. Thezhe hyar is yer chatter baits, thems yer buzz baits, thems yer spinner baits, thems yer spinners, thems yer flutterin spoons, thems yer flat spoons, an now we gotcher plasstick wurms, yer plasstick lizzerds, yer frogs, yer crawdads, yer mas, yer baby ducks, an sich lack.

Thin he startin in on a nuther cart. Thezhe hyar is yer soft swim baits, thezhe is yer hard swim baits–

Ah pickt up one a the hard swim baits. Jist how long is thisn? Ah axed.

He lookt at it. Thet thar is a thurdy-sicks-incher, he sed.

An jiss hwut is a feller spozed tuh ketch with a lerr thets thurdy-sicks inchis long?

Thets fer yer muskies an yer northurn pack, he sed. An thet brangs us tuh the lerrs fer them. He kummincet tuh thowin in lerrs bout a foot long, with a kupple of sorter tear-shaipt blades an a big ole trebble hook with a kanly grass-skirt-lookin thang on it.  Hyars yer showgirls, yer dubble cowgirls, yer soopermodels, yer Kardashians, yer Anna Nicoles, an yer porn stars.

Ah ahd one a the lerrs. Jist hwah is this cawlt a cowgirl? Ah axed.

The feller pawzed an lookt at me. Hits cozzen a thezhe hyar rubble blades, he hicksplained.

Ah lookt at em. Ah doant unnerstand, Ah sed. Hwut dew them blades hav tuh dew with cowgirls?

Well, thars two of um, he sed, an thay look kanly lack . . .

Kanly lack hwut? Ah axed.

The feller shook his hed. Ewe no, he sed, Ah doant ratly unnerstan it mahseff.

He stopt fer a liddle bit an lookt at the fore er fav carts full a lerrs. Ah wreckin thezhe hyar will dew fer a start, he sed. Now harr ewe set fer rods?

Ah moas jinrilly yooze a cain poal, Ah ruplad. Thaze a feller nearbah hez got a hoal mess of bam boo in hiz yard. Ah bin heppin him thin it owt.

A cain poal? the feller sed.