The ole hillbilly anssers sum kwisschuns

Dear Ole Hillbilly,

Is your mash organic?


Locivorous Anonymous

Deer Feller with a Long Naim,

Muh mash yooster be Oregonic back hwin thuh ole hillbilly lived owt in Oregon, down aroun Cottij Groav an Yoojane, Oregon. Thin the ole hillbilly sloped off  up tuh Sea-Addle in Washinton state, so muh mash wuz Washintonic fer a long tam. Now thet the ole hillbillys a-livin in Miniapples, Ah wreckin hits more Minisodan–oar, iffen ewe perfer, Minisodic. But daip down, the ole hillbillys mash will alluz be Missouric, cozzen thets hwar the ole hillbilly was bornd an lernt the fan art of mash maikin–Rootwad Township, Missouri. At air is one of the purdiess naims a plaice ever had, laistwaz in the ole hillbillys way of thankin.

Dear Ole Hillbilly,

Is your mash made with spring water?


Macallan Laphroaig

Deer Mac,

Hit awl dippenz. Sumtams muh mash is maid with sprang wadder. Sumtams hits maid with summer wadder. Sumtams hits maid with fall wadder. An sumtams hits maid with winner wadder. Hit jiss dippenz on hwin Ahm maikin muh mash. Yooster be Ahd jiss git muh wadder fum a dich er craik er hwativver was cloast to hand. Nowadaze Ah moas jinrilly jiss keep muh ah owt, an hwin Ah see a naiber’s gon off sumhwir, Ahll run a hoze to one of hiz spiggits. Hits a rat smart chaiper thet way.

Dear Ole Hillbilly,

What do you like to serve with your mash?


G. Ourmand

Deer Ormun,

Ah jinrilly doant lack tuh serve nuthin at awl. The ole hillbilly hez dun awreddy served awl the tam haze inclanned to serve. Ewe yung fellers may say, Well, ole hillbilly, hit doant maik no nevver mand iffen a feller serves a liddle tam. They’s good food in the big howse, hit stays warm, an hit doant hardly never rane on a feller. An a feller kin allus brew up sum pruno fer drankin. But the ole hillbilly sees hit differnt. Moas tams, iffen ewe git hault off to the big howse, thail chop up yer still, an awl yer kusstummers’ll fand noo supplars. So hwin a feller gits out of jale, heze got to make hizzeff a new still an bild up hiz kusstummer base agin. So hit jiss doant make no scents tuh go gittin yoreseff thoad in jale.


Down at the grossry stoar

Yestiddy evenin the ole hillbilly divvelupt hizzeff a swate tooth. Hit happins purdy reggler lack hwin Ah hev had me a supper of deep-frahd possum with turnup grains.

So the ole hillbilly fahrd up the flatbed an droav up tuh thish hyar stoar Ah hed seed a kupple er thray tams befoar. Hits cawlt Whole Foods, an the ole hillbilly kinely lackt the sownd of thet. After awl, the ole hillbilly aint perticklerly intristid in no parshul er frackshunul foods. Jist gimme the whole thang. Hits lack goin tuh one of em air fantsy pants risterawnts hwar thay brang a feller a big ole plate with bowt a bat er too a food on it, awl dun up suh purdy hit doant hardly same rat tuh take a bat. An thin hwin a feller gits rown tuh taken a bat, thets jist bowt awl yer gonna git–jist one bat an thin a big ole check.

So Ah droav the flatbed up tuh the Whole Foods an figgered owt how tuh git in the dore, an then Ah kummincet tuh lookin rown. Ah warnt kwat shore jist iggzackly hwut Ah wuz lookin rown at. Thay wuz awl sorts of thangs thar, an sum of Ah figgered owt wuz food, but sum of em Ah railly warnt kwat shore. Ah tuck me a bat of sumthin in one bin, thankin hit wuz a liddle biddy cake, an hit turnt owt to be a cake of sope. The ole hillbilly aint fond of no sope noways, an speshly not iffen hits maskeraidin as food.

Ah wuz wanderin rown, lookin at this that and tother thang, hwin thish hyar feller in a aperun comes up an says, Kin Ah hepp ewe?

Ah lookt him up an down. He wuz rown bowt six fate tawl, an he matta wade a hunnert pownds, iffen a feller added in the rangs an studs an chanes an hwatnot thet wuz stuck in his airs an ahbrows and lips an faice an skapp an awl.

Ah am a-lookin fer me sum deezert, Ah tole thuh yung feller.

We got awl sorts of deezerts hyar, he sed. Yawl got ennythin pertickler in mand?

Well, Ah said, Ah kinely had in mand tuh git me a RC cola an a moon pah. Ahm kinely parshul tuh the nanner ones iffen ewe got em.

Thuh feller kinely lookt at me an sed, Ah doant rekkin we got us no RC cola, an Ah caint say as Ah hev evver hyeerd of moon pahs. But lemme fix yuh up with sumpthin bedder an moar hellthy lack.

Ah dun had muh heth food, Ah sed. In fack, Ah had me two heppins of possum. Thets hwah Ah wuz a-wantin sumthin swate tuh finnish off muh mail.

Well, Ahma gonna git ewe sumthin thets boath swate an hellthy. Ewe jist foller me rown, an Ahll thow sum thangs in yer baskit thar.

So we wint rown the stoar, an the ole boy thoad sum thangs in muh baskit, an he kepp sayin, Now thish hyar iz a soadie pop maid with awl-nacherl ingraidyents, an thish hyar is glooten-fray tater chips, an thish hyar iz ahs crame fer paiple hooze lack toes intollernt, an thish hyar is sum matty good cheese, an thish hyar iz lack mate, seppin hits maid owtta vejtubbles, an thish hyar is almoas iggzackly lack a cookie, seppin hit doant hurt nuthin tuh make it, not animulls ner vejtubbles ner froot ner nothin. Hits hwut folks cawl a vegan cookie. Ah rekkin hittle dew awl rat fer yer moon pah.

Thin he tuck me up tuh the cash rijister, an thin he tuck me oaver tuh the lone offiss, an Ah tuck owt a thurd morgij on muh howse jist tuh bye me two sacks of awl-nacherl grossries. Ah aint shore Ah kin afford tuh bye me no moar of em air Whole Foods. Ah rekkin Ah mat half tuh go back tuh byin haff er kwarter foods.

Ennywaze, Ah tuck muh two sax of grossries an wint hoam, an Ah pored me sum awl-nacherl soadie pop an tuck owt muh awl-nacherl cookie thet appairently aint maid owt of nuthin.

An thin Ah tuck me a bat of at air cookie, an Ah chood on it a bit, an Ah set air an got to thankin an a-wunnderin, Jist hwar hev Ah ivver taistid ennythang lack thish hyar cookie afoar?

An after a hwal hit come to me. Ah membered one tam hwin me an muh bruther wuz havvin us a dirt clod baddle owt in the hog pin back at thuh farm. An muh bruther took a good thow, an he hit me plum in the mowth with a dirt clod thet had moren a liddle left-oaver hog in it.

An thet is iggzackly hwut at air vegan cookie taistid lack.

So Ah thowed owt the rest of the cookie, an Ah tuck me a drank of awl-nacherl soadie pop, an thin Ah thowed it owt too. An thin Ah wint threw muh uther two bags of grossries an Ah taistid awl the rest of muh awl-nacherl grossries, an Ah thowed bowt awl of em owt.

Seppin the cheese. Ah didden thow owt the cheese.

Them cheese are good.