The ole hillbilly lurns bout goff

Hit turns out thet the ole hillbilly is livvin rat nex tuh a goff coarse. Ah didden no thet hwin Ah furst mooved in hyar. Ah hed seed thet thay wuz a kinely big ole yard nex tuh muh noo howse, but Ah didden thank nuthin of it. Hit jiss lookt lack a big ole lonn tuh thish hyar ole hillbilly. An Ah caint say as Ah evver paid no tenshun tuh goff afoar. Ah wreckin Ah hev hyeerd folks tawk bout it. But sints hit aint got nuthin tuh dew with moonshan ner ole-fashunned country myoozick, the ole hillbilly aint paid hit no nevver mand.

Now afoar Ah tell ewe how the ole hillbilly lurnt bout goff, Ah hev tuh hicksplain tuh yall thet, kunsiddrin thuh ole hillbillys lan of bidniss, Ah wurk manely at natt an slaip durrin the day. Hit jinrilly maiks a lot moar scents tuh bile yore mash at nattam, hwin moas folks is slaipin. Hit cuts down on splainin thangs tuh folks, an moas speshully em air ding-blastid revnooers. Thay aint so akktiv at nat naither.

Hits also a sat aisier tuh maik a fellers delivrees durrin the nattam. But iffen ewe is jist startin out in the bidniss, let the ole hillbilly remand ewe tuh taik long yore twel-gaij hwin yore delivrin tuh noo kusstummers. Sum of thim folks’ll trah tuh taik a fav-fangered diskount, iffen ewe no hwut Ah main. A sawd-off twel-gaij thoad down on a feller kin be rat purrswaysiv.

So kaipin in mand thet the ole hillbilly manely slaips durrin thuh daytam, lemme hicksplain thet Ahd crawl into bed roun bout daylat. Jiss afoar cloasin the blands, Ahd look out at thuh big ole yard nex dore, an hit wood allus be nass an grain an smooth lack.

Thin Ahd waik up rat roun dark, an Ahd look out muh winders agin an Ahd see a feller a-raddin roun in a liddle kart with a thang on the frunt looks shore nuff lack a hed on a comban. An thish hyar feller on the kart’d be a-scoopin up thezhe hyar liddle hwat bawls, mebbe not kwat so big as a chikken aig. An em air bawls warnt out thar in the mornin. Thaid groe up er git laid er git plantid durrin the daytam. An then evver evenin, thish hyar feller’d come long in his liddle comban an harvist em.

So the ole hillbilly got tuh thankin an a-wundrin, Jiss hwat is em air liddle bawls? An jiss hwa is at air feller out a-harvestin em evver evenin?

So Ah did sum thankin, an Ah did sum moar thankin. The ole hillbilly jinrilly trahs not to thank. Hits hard work a-thankin. But Ah kep a-seein em air liddle aig thangs, an at air liddle comban, an Ah fanly disadded thet em air liddle aig thangs warnt aigs, but mushrumes. Ah cooden thank of no burd thet’d lay its aigs lack thet, jiss thoad down rat on top of the grass, thouten no nest ner nuthin. An em air liddle hwat thangs wuz jiss a-growin too fast fer em tuh be ennythang but sum sort of mushrume er todestool. An Ah figgered at noboddy in air rat mand ud groe todestools on perpuss. Aint noboddy wants tuh ate todestools. But folks pay good munny fer mushrumes. The ole hillbilly has dun et a hole passle of mushrumes hiz own seff. Hwin a fellers livin back in the woods, sumtams they aint much tuh ate seppin possums an mushrumes an haycorns.

After Ah hed dun figgered this out, one mornin Ah seed one of em air mushrumes in muh yard. Hit had bin one rat hard nat, so Ah didden go out an pick it. Ah jiss left it thar, hwat an roun in muh yard.

Hwin Ah fanly woak up roun bout ate oclock that evenin, the mushrume wuz still air in muh yard. An thin Ah spad a nutherun, siddin purdy cloast tuh the furst un Ahd seed.

Ah figgered thet em air mushrumes wuz voluntairs thet hed dun groad up in the ole hillbillys yard.

Now the ole hillbilly wunst run acrost thish hyar feller hoo wuz a-tawkin awl the tam bout the redistribyooshen of weth. At air feller sed, The rich folks is rich cozzen thaze a-takin it fum the pore folks. An the pore folks otter take sum back fum the rich folks.

Ah aint nevver fergot at air feller. An Ah aint lackly tuh fergit im. Feller still oaze the ole hillbilly fitty dollers fer fav jugs of mash. So hwin the feller gits out of jale this tam, the ole hillbilly an his twel-gaij is gonna pay him a vizit.

Ennywaze, back tuh hwut Ah wuz a-sayin. Ah figgerd thet, even iffen em folks with the big yard wuz a-watchin at air mushrume crop with aigle ahz, thay cooden cumplane nun iffen the ole hillbilly pickt a kupple of em air mushrumes thet had groad up in his oan yard. So Ah wint down an pickt em.

Thet wuz a suppraz in itseff. Em air mushrumes didden hav no stems. They wuz jist a-sittin on top of the groun.

They wuz perrfickly roun, seppin they had thezhe hyar liddle dints awl oaver em. An they wuz smujjed along one sad tuh hwir hit almoas lookt lack rattin.

Ah tuck em insad an washt em, an Ah trad tuh bat down on one of em. Hit almoas broak muh bess set of fawce taith.

Ah figgerd sum moar, an Ah popt em into a pot with sum wadder in it an put em on the stoav tuh bal a hwal.

Ah let em bal bout an arr, but thay warnt no bedderen hwin Ah thoad em in the pot. Thay wuz still hardern a revenooers hart.

So thin Ah figgerd a hwal moar, an Ah stuck em in a liddle pot with sum of muh speshul rokkit fule mash–jiss a bit moarn enuff tuh cuvver em up.

They soffened up purdy good in jiss bout haff an arr. Thin Ah bald em a bit moar, an bit intuh one.

Well, hit didden brake muh fawce taith. But hit warnt nuthin thet the ole hillbilly thot naidid aiten. Hit took me fav minnits tuh choo thew one bat. Hit put me in mand of hwin Ah wuz a yung feller of fittain er sixtain, aitin sum of em air mate bawls fum the skool kafftearya. Ah member tellin muh third-grade taicher thet em air mate bawls warnt fit fer nuthin sepp thowin at the ole boar hawgs. Ah member she didden ansser me nun, but she yoozhly didden. She jiss rolt her ahs at me an tole me tuh git on back in muh seat an trah tuh pay tenshun tuh the lessin fer a chainj.

Ennywaze, em air mushrumes warnt no bedder thin the mate bawls fum muh skook kafftearya. So Ah thoad em in the trash. Aint no yoos tuh ait nuthin lack thet. An they warnt no boar hawgs roun tuh thow em at.

The nex evenin, Ah seed one of em air fellers out on his comban. Ah staggerd out onto the big yard an flagged im down.

Temme, Ah sed. Jist hwut dew ewe fellers dew with thezhe hyar mushrumes ewes a-harvestin?

Mushrumes? the feller axed.

Mushrumes, Ah riplad. Ah bint down an scoopt one up fum the yard. Lack thish hyar mushrume. Jiss hwut dew yall dew with em? Ah caint figger out how a feller cood ait one.

Them aint mushrumes, the feller ansserd. Them is goff bawls.

Goff bawls? Ah axed.

Yiss, goff bawls. The feller lookt kinely sadwaze at the ole hillbilly. Aint yawl nevver herd of no goff bawls?

Ah thunk about it a liddle bit. Ah caint wreckulleck nevver seein no goff. Do they jiss thow em nacherl-lack, er dew yawl hav tuh cut em? Raisin Ah axe, Ah aint herd no skwallin. An Ah caint majin no animull thettid jist thow em on the groun lack that. Hit souns rat panefull.

The feller kummincet tuh laffin. Goff aint no animull! he sed hwin haid got his breth back. Goff is a gaim!

A gaim? Ah sed.

Yiss, a gaim, he sed. An thin he tole the ole hillbilly awl about it–bout how folks’ll go hwack em air liddle bawls with crookid sticks, a-trahin tuh nock em into liddle holes in the groun.

Hwin he wuz dun hicksplainin it to me, he sed, Aint chew nevver herd of no goff afoar?

Ah skracht muh haid. Ah gess Ah hev hyeerd tell of it, Ah sed. But Ah didden pay it no nevver mand.

The feller lafft at me agin. Well, he sed. Yore howse is rat smack dab up ginst the dravvin rainj of the Minicodda Goff Club hyar in Miniapples.

The dravvin rainj? Ah axed.

Yiss, he hicksplained. The rich folks in the club go up air an drav the bawls down hyar fer praktiss.

Rich folks? Ah axed.

Yiss, thaze a hole passle of rich folks plaze goff hyar, sed the feller.

Ah thunk bout it. The ole hillbilly hez bin pore awl his laff, an Ah doant no much bout rich folks. But Ah dew no thet rich folks’ll drank mash. So Ah axed the feller, Duz it cost ennythang to san up fer thish hyar club?

The feller sed, Yiss, hit duz. Thin he lookt at the ole hillbilly a liddle bit, kinely ahin muh overhauls an butes an muh straw hat.

Doant temme thet ewez a-thankin bowt plahin tuh be a member of the Minicodda Goff Club, he sed.

The thot mebbe past thew muh haid, Ah ruplad.

The feller kummincet thin tuh grinnin, thin wint on tuh smalin, fum thair tuh laffin, an thin tuh slappin his neez, an fanly he felt tuh the groun an startid rollin roun, laffin so much he drawd a liddle crowd of other fellers a-wurkin on the goff coarse. Thay come oaver an axed him iffen he wuz aw rat. He hicksplaint thet Ah wantid tuh be a member of the Minicodda Goff Club. An thin they awl kummincet tuh laffin an roalin roun on thuh groun an pointin at the ole hillbilly till Ah bigin tuh fail kinely senstiv lack.

So Ah sloped off back tuh muh howse an drank me a pant er fore of mash as bomb fer muh woondid hart. After awl, the ole hillbilly hez got hiz prad, aiven iffen Ah dew trah tuh ait goff bawls.


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