The ole hillbilly anssers sum kwisschuns

Dear Ole Hillbilly,

Is your mash organic?


Locivorous Anonymous

Deer Feller with a Long Naim,

Muh mash yooster be Oregonic back hwin thuh ole hillbilly lived owt in Oregon, down aroun Cottij Groav an Yoojane, Oregon. Thin the ole hillbilly sloped off  up tuh Sea-Addle in Washinton state, so muh mash wuz Washintonic fer a long tam. Now thet the ole hillbillys a-livin in Miniapples, Ah wreckin hits more Minisodan–oar, iffen ewe perfer, Minisodic. But daip down, the ole hillbillys mash will alluz be Missouric, cozzen thets hwar the ole hillbilly was bornd an lernt the fan art of mash maikin–Rootwad Township, Missouri. At air is one of the purdiess naims a plaice ever had, laistwaz in the ole hillbillys way of thankin.

Dear Ole Hillbilly,

Is your mash made with spring water?


Macallan Laphroaig

Deer Mac,

Hit awl dippenz. Sumtams muh mash is maid with sprang wadder. Sumtams hits maid with summer wadder. Sumtams hits maid with fall wadder. An sumtams hits maid with winner wadder. Hit jiss dippenz on hwin Ahm maikin muh mash. Yooster be Ahd jiss git muh wadder fum a dich er craik er hwativver was cloast to hand. Nowadaze Ah moas jinrilly jiss keep muh ah owt, an hwin Ah see a naiber’s gon off sumhwir, Ahll run a hoze to one of hiz spiggits. Hits a rat smart chaiper thet way.

Dear Ole Hillbilly,

What do you like to serve with your mash?


G. Ourmand

Deer Ormun,

Ah jinrilly doant lack tuh serve nuthin at awl. The ole hillbilly hez dun awreddy served awl the tam haze inclanned to serve. Ewe yung fellers may say, Well, ole hillbilly, hit doant maik no nevver mand iffen a feller serves a liddle tam. They’s good food in the big howse, hit stays warm, an hit doant hardly never rane on a feller. An a feller kin allus brew up sum pruno fer drankin. But the ole hillbilly sees hit differnt. Moas tams, iffen ewe git hault off to the big howse, thail chop up yer still, an awl yer kusstummers’ll fand noo supplars. So hwin a feller gits out of jale, heze got to make hizzeff a new still an bild up hiz kusstummer base agin. So hit jiss doant make no scents tuh go gittin yoreseff thoad in jale.


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