Drankin with the naibers

Yestiddy evenin the ole hillbilly wuz sittin on the porch, smoken muh pap an lookin out at the seenry an thankin bout not much a nothin. Thet is pert near the ole hillbillys faivrit thang tuh thank about. Iffen a feller gits tuh thankin bout sumthin in pertickler, thin he may have tuh git up an do sumthin bout it. An the ole hillbilly perfers not to do nothin bout nothin. Hits a sat more ressful lack thet way.

But mebbe Ah aint zackly rat. Thaze a doe comes roun bout hyar ever now an thin. She wuz out eatin sum weeds roun the sad of muh howse, an they may hev bin a thot er two in muh haid bout dear meat. Them air hoity-toity folks cawl it vensen. The ole hillbilly jist cawls it good eatin. An lookin at at air doe maid me thank bout sum good eatin.

Ennywaze as Ah wuz a-sittin thar an dewin muh best not tuh thank about nuthin an suckseedin purdy good at dewin it, seppin hwin Ah wuz thankin bout dear meat, Ah seed thish hyar feller an a gal a-comin up muh sadwalk, with the feller a-kerryin a sack.

Ah wuz purdy meadyet-lack kunserned, speshly sints Ah hed fergot tuh brang muh twel-gaje out on the porch with me. Thet jist aint lack the ole hillbilly tuh go nohwir thouten his twel-gaje.

But turns out Ah didden naid it nowaze. Hit were jist sum naibers. Thay kinely slunk up tuh the porch an sed, Howdy, yawl. Weze yore naibers. We come oaver tuh wekkum yawl tuh the naiberhood.

Well thets rat kine of yawl, Ah sed. Ahm plaized tuh make yore kwaintance.

Thuh feller handid oaver the sack. We brot chew a boddle of wan an sum bred fum up at thish hyar plaice cawlt Rustycan, he sed.

Now aint thet nass, Ah ruplad. Hwud jew say thet is. Wan?

Yessir, he sez. Hits a boddle of Barrel o’ Bricko Roachie.

Ah lookt at the laible on it, but Ah cooden make nuthin out of it. Hit was rit in sum funny langwij. But wantin to be naiber-lack, Ah sed, Lemme russle us up sum glassis an weal halve us a liddle sip.

So thay seddled down thare on the porch on muh kowch, hwich aint ratly a kowch seein as how hits achelly the rear seat outen a sixty-fav Thunderburd, an Ah wint in an huntid up sum jelly jars thet warnt too offal dirty. Thin Ah staggered back out an kummincet tuh attimptin tuh git into the boddle of wan. But sum durn fool had dun shuvved the cork awl the way down in the nek of it.

Fanly the feller sed, Hyar, lemme taik kyeer of thet. An he hwipt owt thish hyar liddle naf thang with a corkskroo on it an had at air boddle of wan oapin in no tam flat.

Ah poard sum wan into the jelly jars, an we awl took a liddle sip. Well thet aint iggzackly rat. The ole hillbilly took a liddle sip, but muh naibers taken themsevves liddle sips lack a budderflah mat taik, iffen the budderflah wuz awreddy dun full up an hed loosind up hits britches ten minits afoar. Thin they let out with big ole smals lack they cood atcherly taist sumthin.

Ah cooden make nuthin of it, but thay peerd to be happy. So we kep on drankin, with me sippin an the naibers pertennin to be budderflahs with annawrecksya, an thin the feller sez, At air skupcher insterlayshun ewe got in yore yard hyar iz rat intristin.

Ah lookt aroun muh yard. Skupcher insterlayshun? Ah axed.

Thish hyar ottomobeel ewe got instawlt hyar, the feller sed. Me an muh waf hev bin admarrin it.

Thets rat, she chammed in. Hits lack a komminterry on arr thowaway suhsatty.

Hit iz? Ah sed.

Ya shore yabetcha, the feller sed. Hooze the artiss? I cain’t say as Ah hev seen enny of his wurk afoar.

Ah skracht muh haid. Well, Ah said. Ah wreckin hit wuz sum feller wurkt fer Ford back in the nantain-fitties, er mebbe even the nantain-forties. Hits a fitty-thray Ford, but hit looks a offal lot lack a fifty-two er even a fitty-wun. Thish hyar has got the flathed vee-ate in it. Hits a fan injun.

Thets awl jiss terrbull intristin, sed the naiber laidy. But we wuz wundrin, hoo disadded to instaul it in yore yard, up on the blocs lack thet? Thets hwut makes it intristin.

Well, Ah wreckin Ah did, Ah ruplad. Ahm the feller stuck the ole car up on blocs.

An hwut staitmint did yawl intind tuh maik? the laidy axed. Is it a komminterry on the varinmental dammij cozzed bah pland hobsullessints?

Ah trahd tuh puzzel attun out, but Ah didden git nohwur. Fanly Ah sed, Ah doant no nuthin bout no hobsulls. Hits moar a staitmint on muh tars. Ya see, lack Hank Wiyyums sed, the air dun startid showin thew em.

Hank Wiyyums? axed the naiber feller.

Yiss, Hank Wiyyums. An doant tawk tuh me bout no Hank Wiyyums Junyer. An Ah doant hold with cawlin Hank Wiyyums Hank Wiyyums Sainyer. Far as thish hyar ole hillbilly is consarnd, aint but one Hank Wiyyums. Tuthers is jist pertenders.

The folks jist set an goggled at me a bit. Hits rat odd the way folks duz thet to the ole hillbilly. Hits awmoas lack thay doant unnerstan me, even tho Ah tawk Ainglish good ez ennywun.

Ennywaze, bout thin we had drunkt up awl the wan thay had brung oaver. So bein naiberly lack, Ah sed, Lemme fetch yawl sumthin thettle reelly wet yore whissulls.

So Ah wint in an dug up a jug of muh fannest rokkit fule mash, an Ah brung it out an topt up thair jelly jars an sed, Hyars mud in yer ahz. An thin Ah drankt up mah glass.

The naiber laidy wint furst. She dipt her faice into the glass, took a liddle budderflah sip, an kinely turnt to stoan. She jist sit thar with this big smal on her face, one ah a-lookin one way and tother ah lookin anuther. Thin the feller took him a purty fare-sazzed swaller. Bout two sekkins laider, his toopay bload offen the top of his haid, spun aroun, an landid back sadwaze. Thin he fetcht up ontah his hooves an startid into dantsin, er sumthin lack dantsin, seppin not so reggler as moas folks duz it. His laigs wuz kikkin out firse one way and thin tuther, an his arms an haid wuz jiss kinely maikin sirkles an eel lipses an oavulls an shaips Ah aint nevver seed afoar.

Thet wint on a hwal. Thin Ah fetcht the wheal barrer fum back of the hows, thoad em in it, an toatid em hoam.

They didden even say nuthin hwin Ah dumpt em out on the porch. Thets gratty tood fer yah.


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