Yestiddy evenin the ole hillbilly divvelupt hizzeff a swate tooth. Hit happins purdy reggler lack hwin Ah hev had me a supper of deep-frahd possum with turnup grains.
So the ole hillbilly fahrd up the flatbed an droav up tuh thish hyar stoar Ah hed seed a kupple er thray tams befoar. Hits cawlt Whole Foods, an the ole hillbilly kinely lackt the sownd of thet. After awl, the ole hillbilly aint perticklerly intristid in no parshul er frackshunul foods. Jist gimme the whole thang. Hits lack goin tuh one of em air fantsy pants risterawnts hwar thay brang a feller a big ole plate with bowt a bat er too a food on it, awl dun up suh purdy hit doant hardly same rat tuh take a bat. An thin hwin a feller gits rown tuh taken a bat, thets jist bowt awl yer gonna git–jist one bat an thin a big ole check.
So Ah droav the flatbed up tuh the Whole Foods an figgered owt how tuh git in the dore, an then Ah kummincet tuh lookin rown. Ah warnt kwat shore jist iggzackly hwut Ah wuz lookin rown at. Thay wuz awl sorts of thangs thar, an sum of Ah figgered owt wuz food, but sum of em Ah railly warnt kwat shore. Ah tuck me a bat of sumthin in one bin, thankin hit wuz a liddle biddy cake, an hit turnt owt to be a cake of sope. The ole hillbilly aint fond of no sope noways, an speshly not iffen hits maskeraidin as food.
Ah wuz wanderin rown, lookin at this that and tother thang, hwin thish hyar feller in a aperun comes up an says, Kin Ah hepp ewe?
Ah lookt him up an down. He wuz rown bowt six fate tawl, an he matta wade a hunnert pownds, iffen a feller added in the rangs an studs an chanes an hwatnot thet wuz stuck in his airs an ahbrows and lips an faice an skapp an awl.
Ah am a-lookin fer me sum deezert, Ah tole thuh yung feller.
We got awl sorts of deezerts hyar, he sed. Yawl got ennythin pertickler in mand?
Well, Ah said, Ah kinely had in mand tuh git me a RC cola an a moon pah. Ahm kinely parshul tuh the nanner ones iffen ewe got em.
Thuh feller kinely lookt at me an sed, Ah doant rekkin we got us no RC cola, an Ah caint say as Ah hev evver hyeerd of moon pahs. But lemme fix yuh up with sumpthin bedder an moar hellthy lack.
Ah dun had muh heth food, Ah sed. In fack, Ah had me two heppins of possum. Thets hwah Ah wuz a-wantin sumthin swate tuh finnish off muh mail.
Well, Ahma gonna git ewe sumthin thets boath swate an hellthy. Ewe jist foller me rown, an Ahll thow sum thangs in yer baskit thar.
So we wint rown the stoar, an the ole boy thoad sum thangs in muh baskit, an he kepp sayin, Now thish hyar iz a soadie pop maid with awl-nacherl ingraidyents, an thish hyar is glooten-fray tater chips, an thish hyar iz ahs crame fer paiple hooze lack toes intollernt, an thish hyar is sum matty good cheese, an thish hyar iz lack mate, seppin hits maid owtta vejtubbles, an thish hyar is almoas iggzackly lack a cookie, seppin hit doant hurt nuthin tuh make it, not animulls ner vejtubbles ner froot ner nothin. Hits hwut folks cawl a vegan cookie. Ah rekkin hittle dew awl rat fer yer moon pah.
Thin he tuck me up tuh the cash rijister, an thin he tuck me oaver tuh the lone offiss, an Ah tuck owt a thurd morgij on muh howse jist tuh bye me two sacks of awl-nacherl grossries. Ah aint shore Ah kin afford tuh bye me no moar of em air Whole Foods. Ah rekkin Ah mat half tuh go back tuh byin haff er kwarter foods.
Ennywaze, Ah tuck muh two sax of grossries an wint hoam, an Ah pored me sum awl-nacherl soadie pop an tuck owt muh awl-nacherl cookie thet appairently aint maid owt of nuthin.
An thin Ah tuck me a bat of at air cookie, an Ah chood on it a bit, an Ah set air an got to thankin an a-wunnderin, Jist hwar hev Ah ivver taistid ennythang lack thish hyar cookie afoar?
An after a hwal hit come to me. Ah membered one tam hwin me an muh bruther wuz havvin us a dirt clod baddle owt in the hog pin back at thuh farm. An muh bruther took a good thow, an he hit me plum in the mowth with a dirt clod thet had moren a liddle left-oaver hog in it.
An thet is iggzackly hwut at air vegan cookie taistid lack.
So Ah thowed owt the rest of the cookie, an Ah tuck me a drank of awl-nacherl soadie pop, an thin Ah thowed it owt too. An thin Ah wint threw muh uther two bags of grossries an Ah taistid awl the rest of muh awl-nacherl grossries, an Ah thowed bowt awl of em owt.
Seppin the cheese. Ah didden thow owt the cheese.
Them cheese are good.