The ole hillbilly on maikin mash

Deer ole hillbilly,

Ah hev red yore book Makin Mash the Hillbilly Way, an Ah hev follered yore dreckshuns rullijussly. Thoanly thang is, muh mash hez got a terrbull hwang to it. Hwin Ah uncork a jug, hit kills skeeters fer haff a country mahl. Hev ewe got enny ideear as tuh hwut wint rong with muh mash?


Failin the pang of hwang

Deer hwang pang,

Ah am gonna take it fer granit thet ewe hev yoozed ewe a kopper kittle an a kopper wurm. Aint no yooce a thankin, Ahll jiss run thish hyar mash thew an ole raidyaiter. Hit aint a-gonna taist rat iffen ewe dew it, an yooze a-runnin the risk a blandin yore kusstimmers. Aint no yooce in blandin yore kusstimmers. Yooze aimin fer rupait kusstimmers, an bland kusstimmers is gonna have a hard tam fandin thair way tuh yer dore. Hit doant madder how good the mash smezz, a feller aint gonna fand it iffen haze bland.

Ennywaze, Ahm a-soomin thet ewe is dewin evverthang else jiss rat. Iffen thets the case, thin moar lackly thin not, ewe hev got ewe a raccoon er mebbe a possum er two in yer mash. Yood bess git out yore net an go a-dippin in the mash barl.

Now, they is fellers’ll tell ewe, a coon er possum er two doant make no nevver mand. But thems the same folks thettle bile air mash thew raidyaiters. An thems the same folks thettle sell ewe thet ole thump-kaig hwisky. The ole hillbilly doant hole nun with thump-kaig hwisky. Hit aint as smooth as the dubble-run mash discrabbed in muh book.

So ewe git yoreseff a-dippin with at air net. Ah wreckin yule soon dip ewe up a coon er possum er two, an mebbe a kupple of aich.

Yoars trewly,

The ole hillbilly

PS: Iffen ewe doant mand, sind me a kupple of jugs of at air mash with the hwang to it. Iffen ittle drav off skeeters, Ah wreckin Ah got me sum new after-shave.


The ole hillbilly hizzeff

Iffen yawl is wundrin hwut the ole hillbilly looks lack, hyarz a pitcher of me. Hits fer muh new seedee, “What We Talk About When We Talk About Mash.”

The ole hillbilly perpairs tuh go a-fishin (part 3)

Ahm pickin up fum hwir Ah left off lass tam:

Well, not iggzackly a cain poal, Ah replad. More lack sicks er sevvin cain poals. Hits good tuh hav a spare casen sumthin happins tuh one er tuther.

The feller tuck out a hankerchiff an wapt his foarhaid. Well, Ah deeclair, he sed. Ah aint nevver herd the lack.

Ah no, Ah sed. Moas folks aint as fourthotfull as thish hyar ole hillbilly.

The feller giv a daip ole sah. An ah wreckin ewe aint got no rails on nun of em air cain poals.

Yis sir, Ah sed. Hwut wood a feller dew with a rail on a cain poal?

The feller wapt his foarhaid agin. Well, aint nuthin fer it, he sed. Waze gonna hav tuh git ewe set up with rods an rails boath. Ah caint hav ewe goin out air, gittin skunkt an a-yoozin cain poals. Ah fail a sponsibillty to yuh. Ah jiss caint hav at happin. So lets git goin.

He taken out thish hyar liddle wokkie-tokkie thang an spoak into it. A kupple of fellers come up with foar er fav moar carts. The yung feller started goin thew the als, thowin in furst one rod and thin a nuther.

Thish hyar rods fer pitchin, he sed. Thissuns fer flippin. Thish hyar is yer crankbait rod. Hyars ewe a jerkbait rod. Hyars one fer spinnerbaits. Hyars one fer spinners. Thish hyar rod is maid jiss fer castin yer holler frogs an mass an sichlack. Thissun’ll dew fer yer topwadders—yer propbaits an yer chuggers an yer poppers an yer Spooks an sechlack. Thissun’s good fer small swimbaits. Thissun’s awl rat fer big swimbaits. Hyar’s one fer yer Carlanna rigs. Hyar’s one fer yer Texuss rigs. Hyars one fer yer Alleybammer rigs. Hyar’s a croppy rod. Hyar’s a panfish rod. Hyar’s a—

Jiss hoal on, Ah sed. Ewe got me rods fer Carlanna, Texuss, an Alleybammer. Aint yawl got nun fer Minisoda?

The feller giv a good laff. Aint no Minisoda rig thet Ah evver hyeerd tell uv, he sed. But they is sum fish hyar thet ewe naid the rat rods fer. So lets thow in a few musky rods, an a kupple of rods fer northurn pack, an sum wallah rods. Ewe naid ewe sum rods fer trollin, an sum fer ahs fishin, an sum fer catfishin.  Coarse yule naid ewe sum flah rods—lets make it aisy an say two fer evver lan wait fum two thew nan, with one set up fer drah flahs an tuther set up fer wet flahs. Aint no use in gittin no moar complikaitid then that.

He thoad in a kupple duzzin moar rods. Thin he kummincet tuh thowin in rails. Wail have tuh have one fer aich rod, he sed, an thin yule want ewe sum spairs, casen one brakes down. An they aint no yooce bahin nun of thim chaip ones. Ah doant want tuh say ewe back in hyar next waik, a-tellin me how ewe dun lost a wreckered musky cozzen Ah soad ewe a chaip rail. So less start off with ewe a kupple of thezhe hyar Shimano Calcuttas, an a few Daiwa Saltigas, an sum Aboo Garseeya Revvo Toro Winchis, an thish hyar Daiwa Pixy fer yer finesse fishin, an sum Shimano Curados, an a Daiwa Staze er thray, an fer flah rails yule naid ewe sum Abels an sum Tahbors an . . .

He wint on lack thish fer sum tam. Thin he startin tuh showin me lan. Lookie hyar at thish hyar lan, he sed. Hits the fannest lan evver maid. Hits a thousan-poun tess, hits thinnern a hyoomin hare, an hits invizzibull in the wadder.

Ah lookt at it. Hits purdy much invizzibull in the air, too, Ah sed. Ewe shore thaze sumthin on at air spool?

Hits matty hard tuh say, the feller sed. But jiss fail it. Hits fannern ennythang.

I fett roun on the spool a hwal, an fanly Ah sed, Hit jiss fails lack the spool. Ewe jiss hab so lootly shore thaze lan on air?

Hit lays flattern anythang, he sed. Hits trooly a wunder. Thaze twell pattints on it. Caint nuthin hold a candle to it.

Jist how is a feller spozed tuh tah at air lan? Ah axed.

Hit makes a fan not, he sed. Hits aisy tuh tah. Hit aint lack yore braid er yore floorokarbin. Coarse, yule naid sum of thim too, as well as yer ole mono fillment.

Hwa dew Ah naid awl em sorts of lans?

Diffurnt cundishuns cawls fer diffurnt lans. Prezentayshun, prezentayshun, prezentayshun. Hits awl in the prezentayshun.

Well, Ah wreckin yood bess set me up with awl hwut Ah naid.

He kummincet tuh thowin in spools of lan. Thin he thowed in laider of awl sorts, an snap swivvils, an swivvils, an waits maid out of tattanyum, hwich he sed wuz hevviern led, an flotes an baids an stoppers an tackle boxes an fishin vests an furst one thang an thin tin moar.

Fanly he wapt his haid agin, an he kummincet tuh goin thew the carts, lookin evverthang over. Thin he cawlt up a nuther feller on the wokkie-tokkie.

Thish hyar feller wuz oalder. His ahs were boath blew, seppin one wuz blewern tuther, an shannyer, an hit didden moove roun nun. His hare wuz jist a marvel. He had a part down rat roun his earloab, an he hed traned up thray er fore stranz of hare fum thair, an haid rapt em roun his haid so careful lack a feller jist had tadmarr how much of his skapp wuz cuvverd up. Ah thot bout menshinnin it to him, but he jiss doav rat in an went thew awl the carts, dubble-checkin evverthang.

Fanly, he stopt an lookt at the yung feller with his less shanny ah .

The yung feller sed, Ah didden miss nuthin, did Ah?

The oalder feller shook his haid rat careful, a-maikin shore his hare didden go slip-sladdin away. Ahm supprazzed, he sed. Ewe got hit jist bout awl rat, but lookie hyar at thezhe hyar baitcastin rails.

Thuh feller lookt at the carts with the baitcastin rails in em. Them look fan tuh me, he sed. Aint nuthin in thair no chaipern Revo STX.

Thet aint the thang, the older feller sed. Jiss ewe take a nuther look.

The yung feller lookt agin. Well, mah lan, he sed. Thems awl rat-hand ruhtrayv.

Thets rat, the older feller sed. Ewer gonna send him outta hyar thouten a sangle leff-hand ruhtrayv.

The yunger fellers shoalders droopt lack a pan tray cuvverd with snow. Ah am jiss so terrbull sorry, he sed. Ah will ficks at up rat now.

Hold on a minnit, Ah sed. Jist hwa duz a feller naid both rat-hand an leff-hand ruhtray rails?

The two feller lookt at aich uther, thin thay lookt at me, an thin thay lookt back at aich other.  Fanly the yungern sed, Well, hit maiks jist a world of diffurnce in how the lerrs werk.

Thets rat, the older feller chammed in. Sumtams a feller naids a leff-hand ruhtrayv. Caint nuthin be dun bout it, lessen the feller doant care nun bout catchin no fish.

Well, Ah sed. Ah wreckin Ahd lack tuh ketch me sum leff-handid fish as well as rat-handid fish. So ficks me up with sum moar rails.

The yung feller startid tuh go, but Ah thoad out muh hand. But wait jist a minnit. Mebbe ewe ott tuh set me up with sum leff-handid lan, an sum leff-handid hooks, an sum leff-handid rods hwalst yore at it.

The yung feller stopt lack haid run up ginst a lettric fence. His ahs got wad, an his lips kummincet tuh twitchin. But thin the ole feller let out a laff. Now aint thet a goodun! he croad. He lafft harder, slappin his naze an lookin roun fer an oddyence fer us awl. Ewe bout had me goin, he sed. Ah thott fer bout a minnit thare thet ewe didden no no beddern tuh axe fer leff-handid lan an sich-lack. He heeved a sah er two, thin he wapt his arm crosst his mouth an sed tuh the yung feller, Yawl go off an git him sum rat-handid baitcastin rails. An lemme no iffen ewe run crost enny rat-handid lan. An thin he kummincet tuh laffin agin.

After a hwal, thay had me a nuther mess of rails. Thin thay lookt it oaver agin, an they thoad in a few moar lans an laiders an sich lack. Thin the ole feller turnt tuh me an sed, Well, this aint much. But it shood be a fare start. Thin ewe kin come back an let us no hwat else ewe naid.

Well, Ah sed, Ah kin tell ewe one thang rat now.

The ole one’s haid drodd back lack a turdle thet hed seed a feller with a hoe a-commin after it. Hwuts thet? he axed.

Well, Ah came in hyar tuh get me sum bug spray. Thezhe hyar skeeters up hyar’ll eat up a feller sumthin fairce. Ah want yawl tuh fix me up with yore fannest bug spray.

Yawl doant naid no bug spray, the yungun sed. Hwutchawl naid is thish hyar deevass.

He shoad me thish hyarl liddle plasstick thang. He sed it held sum bug spray an a liddle fan. Hwin ewe tern this liddle switch, he sed, hit terns on thish hyar liddle fan, the bug spray wafts roun ewe in a gennle mist. Ittle shore nuff keep them skeeters way fum yuh thouten ewe havin tuh go sprayin nuthin on yuh an rurin yer fan close.

Ah sed, Well, thet sounz lack the thang. Jiss thow bout a hunnert of them in a cart fer me.

The yung feller jumpt tuh dew it, an purdy soon Ah had me a kupple of carts of lecktric-pard bug spray.

Thin thay taken the cairvan down tuh the checkout, an they got a flait of checkers tuh start rangin up evverthang.

Hwalst thay wuz a-rangin up evverthang, they taken me into the loan offiss an got me wurkin on a new morgij fer muh house. Bah the tam we had it awl figgered out, thay had the yung feller an the ole feller an the loan offsser an the stoar mannijer an the sisstint stoar mannijer an a kupple of underratters in thish hyar liddle confrince room with me.

Fanly Ah fetched a pinsill out of muh oaverhauls an startid tuh san the loan dokkimints. The stoar mannijer stopt me an handid me his pin. Hyar, he sed. Yooze thissun. Hits a Mont Blonk.

I taken up the pin, an he shoad me how to git it tuh rat. Ah put muh hand down tuh san, an thin Ah taken it up. Ewe no, Ah sed, back hwurr Ah come fum, down roun Rootwad Township, Missouri, hwin folks gits tuhgither on a dail lack thissun, thail moas jinrilly have a drank foar sannin ennythang.

Well, Ah jiss doant no, sed the mannijer, hit beein bidniss arrs an awl.

Ah lade down the pin an lookt at him. An hyar Ah thot Ah wuz mungst frends, Ah sed. Ah wuz countin on yawl tuh look after an ole hillbilly lack Ah wuz yore frend. Ah wreckin Ah wuz rong.

Now, doant go sayin thet, sed the mannijer. Weze awl frends hyar.

Well, iffen weze frends, then hit aint bidniss arrs. Hits tam fer us tuh be frendly lack. An frends’ll take a drank togither, doant madder nun hwat the clock sez.

Ah aint nevver thot bout it that way, the mannijer sed. Ah wreckin aint no harm in taken a drank with a frend. Hits fav clock sumhwirs ennywaze. He cawlt oaver tuh the sissint mannijer. Ah thank we got us a boddle of wan roun hyar. Er mebbe ewe cood aiven russle us up sum shampain.

Ah put muh hand out tuh the sisstint mannijer. Aint no yooce in ewe stirrn yer stumps, Ah sed. Ah brot muh own fan-drankin mash.

Ah pult a jug outen muh oaverhauls, an they awl loud how thaid be glad tuh have a drank with me. Furst thay trad tuh pore it into sum ole plasstick glassiz, but thay didden wurk at awl. The mash jiss wint rat thew em. But thin thay foun sum coffee cups, an we awl figgered thaid wurk jiss fan.

So Ah pored us dranks awl roun, toppin up thair cups purdy good. Thin Ah sed, Hyars mud in yer ah, an Ah thoad muh mash down muh thoat.

The uthers awl trad tuh foller soot. But hit didden tern out so well. A kupple of em jist keelt oaver rat away. The yung feller fell onto the flore an startid in tuh hwimprin an crahin an suckin his thumm. The ole fellers hare untwistid fum offen his skap, an hiz glass ah bload out of his haid an roalt crost the table tuh me. Ah pickt it up an slipped it in muh pokkit. A glass ah can come in rat handy sumtams.

The sisstin mannijer stood up, sed Scyooze me, an stumbled oaver to a clozzit in the corner. He wint in an clozed the dore behand him. Ah cood hyar him bumpin ginst the walls an sichlack, still sayin Scyooze me, scyooze me.

The stoar mannijer wuz jiss sittin thar, his ahs lookin diffurnt dreckshuns, his hans a-kanly scrabblin on the table lack liddle crabs, an his mouth workin lack he had peanut budder stuck tuh the roof of it.

Ah taken up the loan dokkimints agin an lookt thew em. Ah maid bout foar er fav manner awlterayshuns. Thin Ah nisshuld the awlterayshuns, an Ah put the Mont Blonk pin back in the stoar mannijers hand an got his nisshuls on the awlterayshuns.

Thin Ah taken the Mont Blonk pin an stuck it in muh bib oaverhauls an wint back out tuh the checkers. Ah shoad em the loan dokkiments, an thay scrambled roun till they could git me awl the munny fer the cash back on the loan.

Hwalst thay wuz loadin up the flatbed, Ah stept back into the confrince room. Hit wuz purdy much lack hit had bin. Ah let the sisstint mannijer out of the clozzit, an he staggerd oaver into a corner an kummincet tuh bumpin roun in it, sayin, Scyooze me. Scyooze me.

Ah wint oaver tuh the mannijer an prad one of his hands offen the table. He hed dun skracht bout a kwarter inch into the wood. Ah shaken his hands an toal him how much Ah preeshyaited dewin bidniss with him. He lookt at me an kanly gabbled sumthin. Hwin he oapend his mouth reel wad, Ah cood see thet the mash had melted his fawce taith. Thay wuz jiss lack long strands of taffy in his mouth, an he jiss kep wurkin em roun.

Ah droav off thin. Hit taken me upperds of an arr tuh unload the flatbed awl bah muhseff. Now Ah got fishin kwipmint stoard awl oaver the house. Aint a room aint got a duzzin rods an sum tackle boxes an sichlack in it.

Now Ah no hwat yawl is thankin. Yore a-thankin, Hillbilly, ewe jiss spent ewe a mess of munny on at air fishin kwipmint, an ewe doant ratly no nothin bout fishin with nuthin seppin a cain poal.

An Ah caint disagray with yawl. Hit wuz hickspinsive. But Ah got a hunnert an fifty yairs tuh pay it awl off, an muh furst paymint doant come dew till Ahm two hunnert yairs ole. Ah wreckin a kin save enuff bah thin tuh pay a bit on it.

In the maintam, Ahma ficksin tuh ketch me sum fish . . .

The ole hillbilly perpairs tuh go a-fishin (part 2)

Ah am rat pollerjettick fer muh failyer tuh Foller up rattaway on muh praher blog poast. Thuh thang is, a kusstummer of the ole hillbilly cawlt me up an sed, Ah naid me twenny barls of mash up hyar jiss rat away.

The ole hillbilly aint one tuh leave a kusstummner dissatisfahd, So Ah loaded up the flatbed an started off tuh Hibbin, Minisoda. Thet’s jiss per near as far north as the ole hillbilly kin go. Ah dont wrekkin Ah kin go no farther thouten Ah turn into a salt lick.

Ennywayze, the ole hillbilly loaded up thurdy barls of mash on the ole flatbed and took off. The flatbed wuz a havvin vaippers, so hit taken me sicks barls of mash fer muh persnull yoose tuh git up to Hibbin. Fer thoaze of yawl doant no nuthin bout Hibbin, hits the plaice the Bobby Dyllin wuz bornd, way up in the Arn Rainj of Minisoda. Iffen ewe go up thar, hits lackly thet ewe will git a new preashyaishun fer Bobby Dyllin’s songs.

Ah got the mash delivvered, an thin hit taken me thuh rest of muh mash tuh git back hoam tuh Miniapples. In fack, afoar Ah got hoam, Ah wuz so soaber thet Ah plum near fergot how to cuss.

But back tuh muh story:

Ah wuz in the sportin goods stoar, an the feller sed, So, harr ewe set fer baits thin?

Ah sed, Ah wreckin Ahm awl rat, Ah ruplad. Ah got me a good plaice Ah found oaver in a naibers flar gardin. They is sum rat fan, fat wurms in mungst em air flars, an thuh naibers is gon purdy offin, soze Ah aint got no problim with them inneruptin me hwalst Ahm a-diggin.

The feller looked at me kanly sadwaze lack. Did ewe say wurms? he axed.

Yup, Ah sed. Lack Ah sed, they is sum big ole wurms in mungst them flar beds.

The feller shook his hed. Ah thot thets hwut ewe sed. His faice started tuh droopin. He lookt suh much lack a ole houn dawg Ah hed, Ah thot he mat dew tuh chaice down a coon. Ah wreckin Ah jist aint gonna be aible to hepp yawl.

An jiss hwah caint ewe hepp me?

Well, Ah thot ewe wuz a-wantin tuh ketch fish, he sed. But now ewe is tellin me thet ewe fish with wurms. Iffen ewe doant want tuh ketch fish, Ah caint hepp yawl nun.

Ah allus figgered wurms wuz purty good bait, Ah sed.

He shook his hed agin. Ah doant no hwar ewe hev bin fishin. Mebbe wurms is still good bait in sum ole backwadder plaices. But ewe is wantin tuh fish in Lake Calhoon. Them there fish in Lake Calhoon is suffisticaited. Ewe thow a wurm at em, thail jiss laff atcha. Thail invat thair relltivs oaver an say, Lookie hyar at this ole boy, doant no no beddern tuh thow wurms at us. Ewe will lackly wun hool thow yer hook an lan an wurm awl back atcha.

Izzat so?

Hit is, he sed. So hwatchawl naid is sum moddurn baits. Sum twenny-furst sinchry baits. Lemme show yawl hwut Ahm tawkin bout.

He grabbed a cart an startid a-hwailin it thew the ahls, thowin thangs in an tellin bout em. Thish hyar is yer topwadder lerrs, he sed. Ewe gotcher yer chuggin baits, yer poppin baits, yer verryus Spook-stal baits, an yer prop baits: sangle props, dubble props, an thezhe hyar baits with tales thet kanly flop aroun.

Thezhe hyar is yer crank baits, yer raddle baits, yer jerk baits–

Ah aint got no trubble ketchin them, Ah sed.

But he didden pay me no nevver mand. He jiss wint on, thowin thangs in muh cart. In fack, he hed dun filled the first cart an wuz a-thowin thangs in a nuther un, tawkin awl the hwal. Thezhe hyar is yer chatter baits, thems yer buzz baits, thems yer spinner baits, thems yer spinners, thems yer flutterin spoons, thems yer flat spoons, an now we gotcher plasstick wurms, yer plasstick lizzerds, yer frogs, yer crawdads, yer mas, yer baby ducks, an sich lack.

Thin he startin in on a nuther cart. Thezhe hyar is yer soft swim baits, thezhe is yer hard swim baits–

Ah pickt up one a the hard swim baits. Jist how long is thisn? Ah axed.

He lookt at it. Thet thar is a thurdy-sicks-incher, he sed.

An jiss hwut is a feller spozed tuh ketch with a lerr thets thurdy-sicks inchis long?

Thets fer yer muskies an yer northurn pack, he sed. An thet brangs us tuh the lerrs fer them. He kummincet tuh thowin in lerrs bout a foot long, with a kupple of sorter tear-shaipt blades an a big ole trebble hook with a kanly grass-skirt-lookin thang on it.  Hyars yer showgirls, yer dubble cowgirls, yer soopermodels, yer Kardashians, yer Anna Nicoles, an yer porn stars.

Ah ahd one a the lerrs. Jist hwah is this cawlt a cowgirl? Ah axed.

The feller pawzed an lookt at me. Hits cozzen a thezhe hyar rubble blades, he hicksplained.

Ah lookt at em. Ah doant unnerstand, Ah sed. Hwut dew them blades hav tuh dew with cowgirls?

Well, thars two of um, he sed, an thay look kanly lack . . .

Kanly lack hwut? Ah axed.

The feller shook his hed. Ewe no, he sed, Ah doant ratly unnerstan it mahseff.

He stopt fer a liddle bit an lookt at the fore er fav carts full a lerrs. Ah wreckin thezhe hyar will dew fer a start, he sed. Now harr ewe set fer rods?

Ah moas jinrilly yooze a cain poal, Ah ruplad. Thaze a feller nearbah hez got a hoal mess of bam boo in hiz yard. Ah bin heppin him thin it owt.

A cain poal? the feller sed.

The ole hillbilly perpairs tuh go a-fishin agin (part 1)

Muh furst poast on thish hyar blog wuz bout me a-goin down tuh fish in Lake Calhoon, hwich is jist bout a block er so fum muh howse hyar in Miniapples.

Ah didden ketch nuthin on thet fishin trip seppin a mess a skeeter bats. But the ole hillbilly aint one tuh giv up on fishin. Ennybawdy hoo nose the ole hillbilly nose thet Ah lack me sum fishin. So Ah wuz boun an ditturmind tuh ketch me sum fish outen a Lake Calhoun. An Ah wuz also bound an ditturmind not tuh git eat up bah skeeters hwalst Ah wuz a-dewin it.

Ah figgerd thet hwut the ole hillbilly naidid in hiz baddle ginst the skeeters wuz sum hevvy artillry–in pertickler, sum bug spray suh fierce thet hit’d make the skeeters drop dead jiss thankin bout it.

So Ah taken me a jug of muh speshul rokkit fule mash an pored bout a cup of it down the carbraiter of the ole fitty-two GMC flatbed. Thin Ah fard her up an droav oaver tuh the sportin goods stoar. Ah figgerd if they wuz fellers aroun hoo noad bout baddlin skeeters, hit’d be the folks at the sportin goods stoar.

Ah maid hit thar purdy kwik, an Ah didden coz but fav er sicks rex along the way. Thezhe hyar Minisodans luvs tuh tailgate, hwich haint suh good hwin yer follerin a feller in a nantain fitty-too flatbed thouten no rair meres. Ah had to stop twast tuh prah liddle biddy cars offen the diffrenshul. Hit makes a terrbull noize a-draggin em along lack thet, speshly hwin the folks in em gets to hollerin.

Fanly Ah hove up to the sportin goods stoar. Ah wint in, an thish hyar feller slads up an sez, May Ah hepp ewe, sir?

Well, Ah kummincet a-sayin, Ah wint down tuh Lake Calhoon tuther nat to dew sum fishin, an–

So did ewe ketch ennythang then? the feller axed.

Well, not iggzackly, Ah ruplad. Ah got me a mess of skeeter bats–

But doant tell me. The feller thoad out his hand lack a poeleaseman flaggin down a spader. Ewe didden ketch nuthin.

Well, they wuz a northern pack stuck hiz noze outen the wadder–

Thet’s the way thay are, the feller sed, givvin his own head a kinely sad liddle shake. Alwaze a-teasin, nevver a-battin.

Well, Ah wreckin Ah kin git him, Ah ruplad, iffen only–

The feller brattened up. Iffen only ewe had the rat bait, he see, his ahz kinely gleemin lack.

Well, Ah wuz thankin moar–

Ewe wuz thankin moar bout the hole prezentauyshun, the feller sed.

The hwut? Ah axed.

The hole prezentayshun, the feller ruplad. Hit aint jist the bait. Coarse thets himportint ez ennythang. But iffen hit aint perzentid jist rat, em air ole fish’ll jist shuv it asad, lack it offindid em.

Iffen ewe say so, but–

But a modurn, santiffick angler lack ewe, he wint on, ewe unnerstan th’importints of prezentayshun. An Ah kin hepp ewe out with thet.

The ole hillbilly lurns bout goff

Hit turns out thet the ole hillbilly is livvin rat nex tuh a goff coarse. Ah didden no thet hwin Ah furst mooved in hyar. Ah hed seed thet thay wuz a kinely big ole yard nex tuh muh noo howse, but Ah didden thank nuthin of it. Hit jiss lookt lack a big ole lonn tuh thish hyar ole hillbilly. An Ah caint say as Ah evver paid no tenshun tuh goff afoar. Ah wreckin Ah hev hyeerd folks tawk bout it. But sints hit aint got nuthin tuh dew with moonshan ner ole-fashunned country myoozick, the ole hillbilly aint paid hit no nevver mand.

Now afoar Ah tell ewe how the ole hillbilly lurnt bout goff, Ah hev tuh hicksplain tuh yall thet, kunsiddrin thuh ole hillbillys lan of bidniss, Ah wurk manely at natt an slaip durrin the day. Hit jinrilly maiks a lot moar scents tuh bile yore mash at nattam, hwin moas folks is slaipin. Hit cuts down on splainin thangs tuh folks, an moas speshully em air ding-blastid revnooers. Thay aint so akktiv at nat naither.

Hits also a sat aisier tuh maik a fellers delivrees durrin the nattam. But iffen ewe is jist startin out in the bidniss, let the ole hillbilly remand ewe tuh taik long yore twel-gaij hwin yore delivrin tuh noo kusstummers. Sum of thim folks’ll trah tuh taik a fav-fangered diskount, iffen ewe no hwut Ah main. A sawd-off twel-gaij thoad down on a feller kin be rat purrswaysiv.

So kaipin in mand thet the ole hillbilly manely slaips durrin thuh daytam, lemme hicksplain thet Ahd crawl into bed roun bout daylat. Jiss afoar cloasin the blands, Ahd look out at thuh big ole yard nex dore, an hit wood allus be nass an grain an smooth lack.

Thin Ahd waik up rat roun dark, an Ahd look out muh winders agin an Ahd see a feller a-raddin roun in a liddle kart with a thang on the frunt looks shore nuff lack a hed on a comban. An thish hyar feller on the kart’d be a-scoopin up thezhe hyar liddle hwat bawls, mebbe not kwat so big as a chikken aig. An em air bawls warnt out thar in the mornin. Thaid groe up er git laid er git plantid durrin the daytam. An then evver evenin, thish hyar feller’d come long in his liddle comban an harvist em.

So the ole hillbilly got tuh thankin an a-wundrin, Jiss hwat is em air liddle bawls? An jiss hwa is at air feller out a-harvestin em evver evenin?

So Ah did sum thankin, an Ah did sum moar thankin. The ole hillbilly jinrilly trahs not to thank. Hits hard work a-thankin. But Ah kep a-seein em air liddle aig thangs, an at air liddle comban, an Ah fanly disadded thet em air liddle aig thangs warnt aigs, but mushrumes. Ah cooden thank of no burd thet’d lay its aigs lack thet, jiss thoad down rat on top of the grass, thouten no nest ner nuthin. An em air liddle hwat thangs wuz jiss a-growin too fast fer em tuh be ennythang but sum sort of mushrume er todestool. An Ah figgered at noboddy in air rat mand ud groe todestools on perpuss. Aint noboddy wants tuh ate todestools. But folks pay good munny fer mushrumes. The ole hillbilly has dun et a hole passle of mushrumes hiz own seff. Hwin a fellers livin back in the woods, sumtams they aint much tuh ate seppin possums an mushrumes an haycorns.

After Ah hed dun figgered this out, one mornin Ah seed one of em air mushrumes in muh yard. Hit had bin one rat hard nat, so Ah didden go out an pick it. Ah jiss left it thar, hwat an roun in muh yard.

Hwin Ah fanly woak up roun bout ate oclock that evenin, the mushrume wuz still air in muh yard. An thin Ah spad a nutherun, siddin purdy cloast tuh the furst un Ahd seed.

Ah figgered thet em air mushrumes wuz voluntairs thet hed dun groad up in the ole hillbillys yard.

Now the ole hillbilly wunst run acrost thish hyar feller hoo wuz a-tawkin awl the tam bout the redistribyooshen of weth. At air feller sed, The rich folks is rich cozzen thaze a-takin it fum the pore folks. An the pore folks otter take sum back fum the rich folks.

Ah aint nevver fergot at air feller. An Ah aint lackly tuh fergit im. Feller still oaze the ole hillbilly fitty dollers fer fav jugs of mash. So hwin the feller gits out of jale this tam, the ole hillbilly an his twel-gaij is gonna pay him a vizit.

Ennywaze, back tuh hwut Ah wuz a-sayin. Ah figgerd thet, even iffen em folks with the big yard wuz a-watchin at air mushrume crop with aigle ahz, thay cooden cumplane nun iffen the ole hillbilly pickt a kupple of em air mushrumes thet had groad up in his oan yard. So Ah wint down an pickt em.

Thet wuz a suppraz in itseff. Em air mushrumes didden hav no stems. They wuz jist a-sittin on top of the groun.

They wuz perrfickly roun, seppin they had thezhe hyar liddle dints awl oaver em. An they wuz smujjed along one sad tuh hwir hit almoas lookt lack rattin.

Ah tuck em insad an washt em, an Ah trad tuh bat down on one of em. Hit almoas broak muh bess set of fawce taith.

Ah figgerd sum moar, an Ah popt em into a pot with sum wadder in it an put em on the stoav tuh bal a hwal.

Ah let em bal bout an arr, but thay warnt no bedderen hwin Ah thoad em in the pot. Thay wuz still hardern a revenooers hart.

So thin Ah figgerd a hwal moar, an Ah stuck em in a liddle pot with sum of muh speshul rokkit fule mash–jiss a bit moarn enuff tuh cuvver em up.

They soffened up purdy good in jiss bout haff an arr. Thin Ah bald em a bit moar, an bit intuh one.

Well, hit didden brake muh fawce taith. But hit warnt nuthin thet the ole hillbilly thot naidid aiten. Hit took me fav minnits tuh choo thew one bat. Hit put me in mand of hwin Ah wuz a yung feller of fittain er sixtain, aitin sum of em air mate bawls fum the skool kafftearya. Ah member tellin muh third-grade taicher thet em air mate bawls warnt fit fer nuthin sepp thowin at the ole boar hawgs. Ah member she didden ansser me nun, but she yoozhly didden. She jiss rolt her ahs at me an tole me tuh git on back in muh seat an trah tuh pay tenshun tuh the lessin fer a chainj.

Ennywaze, em air mushrumes warnt no bedder thin the mate bawls fum muh skook kafftearya. So Ah thoad em in the trash. Aint no yoos tuh ait nuthin lack thet. An they warnt no boar hawgs roun tuh thow em at.

The nex evenin, Ah seed one of em air fellers out on his comban. Ah staggerd out onto the big yard an flagged im down.

Temme, Ah sed. Jist hwut dew ewe fellers dew with thezhe hyar mushrumes ewes a-harvestin?

Mushrumes? the feller axed.

Mushrumes, Ah riplad. Ah bint down an scoopt one up fum the yard. Lack thish hyar mushrume. Jiss hwut dew yall dew with em? Ah caint figger out how a feller cood ait one.

Them aint mushrumes, the feller ansserd. Them is goff bawls.

Goff bawls? Ah axed.

Yiss, goff bawls. The feller lookt kinely sadwaze at the ole hillbilly. Aint yawl nevver herd of no goff bawls?

Ah thunk about it a liddle bit. Ah caint wreckulleck nevver seein no goff. Do they jiss thow em nacherl-lack, er dew yawl hav tuh cut em? Raisin Ah axe, Ah aint herd no skwallin. An Ah caint majin no animull thettid jist thow em on the groun lack that. Hit souns rat panefull.

The feller kummincet tuh laffin. Goff aint no animull! he sed hwin haid got his breth back. Goff is a gaim!

A gaim? Ah sed.

Yiss, a gaim, he sed. An thin he tole the ole hillbilly awl about it–bout how folks’ll go hwack em air liddle bawls with crookid sticks, a-trahin tuh nock em into liddle holes in the groun.

Hwin he wuz dun hicksplainin it to me, he sed, Aint chew nevver herd of no goff afoar?

Ah skracht muh haid. Ah gess Ah hev hyeerd tell of it, Ah sed. But Ah didden pay it no nevver mand.

The feller lafft at me agin. Well, he sed. Yore howse is rat smack dab up ginst the dravvin rainj of the Minicodda Goff Club hyar in Miniapples.

The dravvin rainj? Ah axed.

Yiss, he hicksplained. The rich folks in the club go up air an drav the bawls down hyar fer praktiss.

Rich folks? Ah axed.

Yiss, thaze a hole passle of rich folks plaze goff hyar, sed the feller.

Ah thunk bout it. The ole hillbilly hez bin pore awl his laff, an Ah doant no much bout rich folks. But Ah dew no thet rich folks’ll drank mash. So Ah axed the feller, Duz it cost ennythang to san up fer thish hyar club?

The feller sed, Yiss, hit duz. Thin he lookt at the ole hillbilly a liddle bit, kinely ahin muh overhauls an butes an muh straw hat.

Doant temme thet ewez a-thankin bowt plahin tuh be a member of the Minicodda Goff Club, he sed.

The thot mebbe past thew muh haid, Ah ruplad.

The feller kummincet thin tuh grinnin, thin wint on tuh smalin, fum thair tuh laffin, an thin tuh slappin his neez, an fanly he felt tuh the groun an startid rollin roun, laffin so much he drawd a liddle crowd of other fellers a-wurkin on the goff coarse. Thay come oaver an axed him iffen he wuz aw rat. He hicksplaint thet Ah wantid tuh be a member of the Minicodda Goff Club. An thin they awl kummincet tuh laffin an roalin roun on thuh groun an pointin at the ole hillbilly till Ah bigin tuh fail kinely senstiv lack.

So Ah sloped off back tuh muh howse an drank me a pant er fore of mash as bomb fer muh woondid hart. After awl, the ole hillbilly hez got hiz prad, aiven iffen Ah dew trah tuh ait goff bawls.

The ole hillbilly anssers sum kwisschuns

Dear Ole Hillbilly,

Is your mash organic?


Locivorous Anonymous

Deer Feller with a Long Naim,

Muh mash yooster be Oregonic back hwin thuh ole hillbilly lived owt in Oregon, down aroun Cottij Groav an Yoojane, Oregon. Thin the ole hillbilly sloped off  up tuh Sea-Addle in Washinton state, so muh mash wuz Washintonic fer a long tam. Now thet the ole hillbillys a-livin in Miniapples, Ah wreckin hits more Minisodan–oar, iffen ewe perfer, Minisodic. But daip down, the ole hillbillys mash will alluz be Missouric, cozzen thets hwar the ole hillbilly was bornd an lernt the fan art of mash maikin–Rootwad Township, Missouri. At air is one of the purdiess naims a plaice ever had, laistwaz in the ole hillbillys way of thankin.

Dear Ole Hillbilly,

Is your mash made with spring water?


Macallan Laphroaig

Deer Mac,

Hit awl dippenz. Sumtams muh mash is maid with sprang wadder. Sumtams hits maid with summer wadder. Sumtams hits maid with fall wadder. An sumtams hits maid with winner wadder. Hit jiss dippenz on hwin Ahm maikin muh mash. Yooster be Ahd jiss git muh wadder fum a dich er craik er hwativver was cloast to hand. Nowadaze Ah moas jinrilly jiss keep muh ah owt, an hwin Ah see a naiber’s gon off sumhwir, Ahll run a hoze to one of hiz spiggits. Hits a rat smart chaiper thet way.

Dear Ole Hillbilly,

What do you like to serve with your mash?


G. Ourmand

Deer Ormun,

Ah jinrilly doant lack tuh serve nuthin at awl. The ole hillbilly hez dun awreddy served awl the tam haze inclanned to serve. Ewe yung fellers may say, Well, ole hillbilly, hit doant maik no nevver mand iffen a feller serves a liddle tam. They’s good food in the big howse, hit stays warm, an hit doant hardly never rane on a feller. An a feller kin allus brew up sum pruno fer drankin. But the ole hillbilly sees hit differnt. Moas tams, iffen ewe git hault off to the big howse, thail chop up yer still, an awl yer kusstummers’ll fand noo supplars. So hwin a feller gits out of jale, heze got to make hizzeff a new still an bild up hiz kusstummer base agin. So hit jiss doant make no scents tuh go gittin yoreseff thoad in jale.

Spadders in earhoals: they aint nuthin good bout it

Spadders in earhoals: they aint nuthin good bout it

The ole hillbilly was serfin roun the Innernet an come acrost thish hyar stoary bout a gal in Channa hoo got herseff a spadder in her earhole.

Now the ole hillbilly is one of the wurl’s leadin heckspurts on havvin a spadder in the earhoal. Hwa is thet, ewe mat axe. Well, hits cozzen a spadder took up resdense wunst in the ole hillbillys rat earhoal. Hit didden pay no rint, an hit didden san no leese neether. Hit jist crawled in thar an startid tuh fluttrin round. Hit warnt in thar moarn two arrs, but hit lack to drove the ole hillbilly plum crazy hwal hit wuz thair.

So let me tell ewe: Iffen ewe is thankin, Mebbe Ah will put a spadder in muh earhoal, jist doant do it. Hit aint gwineter be the plezzent spearients ewe wuz hoapin fer.

Drankin with the naibers

Yestiddy evenin the ole hillbilly wuz sittin on the porch, smoken muh pap an lookin out at the seenry an thankin bout not much a nothin. Thet is pert near the ole hillbillys faivrit thang tuh thank about. Iffen a feller gits tuh thankin bout sumthin in pertickler, thin he may have tuh git up an do sumthin bout it. An the ole hillbilly perfers not to do nothin bout nothin. Hits a sat more ressful lack thet way.

But mebbe Ah aint zackly rat. Thaze a doe comes roun bout hyar ever now an thin. She wuz out eatin sum weeds roun the sad of muh howse, an they may hev bin a thot er two in muh haid bout dear meat. Them air hoity-toity folks cawl it vensen. The ole hillbilly jist cawls it good eatin. An lookin at at air doe maid me thank bout sum good eatin.

Ennywaze as Ah wuz a-sittin thar an dewin muh best not tuh thank about nuthin an suckseedin purdy good at dewin it, seppin hwin Ah wuz thankin bout dear meat, Ah seed thish hyar feller an a gal a-comin up muh sadwalk, with the feller a-kerryin a sack.

Ah wuz purdy meadyet-lack kunserned, speshly sints Ah hed fergot tuh brang muh twel-gaje out on the porch with me. Thet jist aint lack the ole hillbilly tuh go nohwir thouten his twel-gaje.

But turns out Ah didden naid it nowaze. Hit were jist sum naibers. Thay kinely slunk up tuh the porch an sed, Howdy, yawl. Weze yore naibers. We come oaver tuh wekkum yawl tuh the naiberhood.

Well thets rat kine of yawl, Ah sed. Ahm plaized tuh make yore kwaintance.

Thuh feller handid oaver the sack. We brot chew a boddle of wan an sum bred fum up at thish hyar plaice cawlt Rustycan, he sed.

Now aint thet nass, Ah ruplad. Hwud jew say thet is. Wan?

Yessir, he sez. Hits a boddle of Barrel o’ Bricko Roachie.

Ah lookt at the laible on it, but Ah cooden make nuthin out of it. Hit was rit in sum funny langwij. But wantin to be naiber-lack, Ah sed, Lemme russle us up sum glassis an weal halve us a liddle sip.

So thay seddled down thare on the porch on muh kowch, hwich aint ratly a kowch seein as how hits achelly the rear seat outen a sixty-fav Thunderburd, an Ah wint in an huntid up sum jelly jars thet warnt too offal dirty. Thin Ah staggered back out an kummincet tuh attimptin tuh git into the boddle of wan. But sum durn fool had dun shuvved the cork awl the way down in the nek of it.

Fanly the feller sed, Hyar, lemme taik kyeer of thet. An he hwipt owt thish hyar liddle naf thang with a corkskroo on it an had at air boddle of wan oapin in no tam flat.

Ah poard sum wan into the jelly jars, an we awl took a liddle sip. Well thet aint iggzackly rat. The ole hillbilly took a liddle sip, but muh naibers taken themsevves liddle sips lack a budderflah mat taik, iffen the budderflah wuz awreddy dun full up an hed loosind up hits britches ten minits afoar. Thin they let out with big ole smals lack they cood atcherly taist sumthin.

Ah cooden make nuthin of it, but thay peerd to be happy. So we kep on drankin, with me sippin an the naibers pertennin to be budderflahs with annawrecksya, an thin the feller sez, At air skupcher insterlayshun ewe got in yore yard hyar iz rat intristin.

Ah lookt aroun muh yard. Skupcher insterlayshun? Ah axed.

Thish hyar ottomobeel ewe got instawlt hyar, the feller sed. Me an muh waf hev bin admarrin it.

Thets rat, she chammed in. Hits lack a komminterry on arr thowaway suhsatty.

Hit iz? Ah sed.

Ya shore yabetcha, the feller sed. Hooze the artiss? I cain’t say as Ah hev seen enny of his wurk afoar.

Ah skracht muh haid. Well, Ah said. Ah wreckin hit wuz sum feller wurkt fer Ford back in the nantain-fitties, er mebbe even the nantain-forties. Hits a fitty-thray Ford, but hit looks a offal lot lack a fifty-two er even a fitty-wun. Thish hyar has got the flathed vee-ate in it. Hits a fan injun.

Thets awl jiss terrbull intristin, sed the naiber laidy. But we wuz wundrin, hoo disadded to instaul it in yore yard, up on the blocs lack thet? Thets hwut makes it intristin.

Well, Ah wreckin Ah did, Ah ruplad. Ahm the feller stuck the ole car up on blocs.

An hwut staitmint did yawl intind tuh maik? the laidy axed. Is it a komminterry on the varinmental dammij cozzed bah pland hobsullessints?

Ah trahd tuh puzzel attun out, but Ah didden git nohwur. Fanly Ah sed, Ah doant no nuthin bout no hobsulls. Hits moar a staitmint on muh tars. Ya see, lack Hank Wiyyums sed, the air dun startid showin thew em.

Hank Wiyyums? axed the naiber feller.

Yiss, Hank Wiyyums. An doant tawk tuh me bout no Hank Wiyyums Junyer. An Ah doant hold with cawlin Hank Wiyyums Hank Wiyyums Sainyer. Far as thish hyar ole hillbilly is consarnd, aint but one Hank Wiyyums. Tuthers is jist pertenders.

The folks jist set an goggled at me a bit. Hits rat odd the way folks duz thet to the ole hillbilly. Hits awmoas lack thay doant unnerstan me, even tho Ah tawk Ainglish good ez ennywun.

Ennywaze, bout thin we had drunkt up awl the wan thay had brung oaver. So bein naiberly lack, Ah sed, Lemme fetch yawl sumthin thettle reelly wet yore whissulls.

So Ah wint in an dug up a jug of muh fannest rokkit fule mash, an Ah brung it out an topt up thair jelly jars an sed, Hyars mud in yer ahz. An thin Ah drankt up mah glass.

The naiber laidy wint furst. She dipt her faice into the glass, took a liddle budderflah sip, an kinely turnt to stoan. She jist sit thar with this big smal on her face, one ah a-lookin one way and tother ah lookin anuther. Thin the feller took him a purty fare-sazzed swaller. Bout two sekkins laider, his toopay bload offen the top of his haid, spun aroun, an landid back sadwaze. Thin he fetcht up ontah his hooves an startid into dantsin, er sumthin lack dantsin, seppin not so reggler as moas folks duz it. His laigs wuz kikkin out firse one way and thin tuther, an his arms an haid wuz jiss kinely maikin sirkles an eel lipses an oavulls an shaips Ah aint nevver seed afoar.

Thet wint on a hwal. Thin Ah fetcht the wheal barrer fum back of the hows, thoad em in it, an toatid em hoam.

They didden even say nuthin hwin Ah dumpt em out on the porch. Thets gratty tood fer yah.

Down at the grossry stoar

Yestiddy evenin the ole hillbilly divvelupt hizzeff a swate tooth. Hit happins purdy reggler lack hwin Ah hev had me a supper of deep-frahd possum with turnup grains.

So the ole hillbilly fahrd up the flatbed an droav up tuh thish hyar stoar Ah hed seed a kupple er thray tams befoar. Hits cawlt Whole Foods, an the ole hillbilly kinely lackt the sownd of thet. After awl, the ole hillbilly aint perticklerly intristid in no parshul er frackshunul foods. Jist gimme the whole thang. Hits lack goin tuh one of em air fantsy pants risterawnts hwar thay brang a feller a big ole plate with bowt a bat er too a food on it, awl dun up suh purdy hit doant hardly same rat tuh take a bat. An thin hwin a feller gits rown tuh taken a bat, thets jist bowt awl yer gonna git–jist one bat an thin a big ole check.

So Ah droav the flatbed up tuh the Whole Foods an figgered owt how tuh git in the dore, an then Ah kummincet tuh lookin rown. Ah warnt kwat shore jist iggzackly hwut Ah wuz lookin rown at. Thay wuz awl sorts of thangs thar, an sum of Ah figgered owt wuz food, but sum of em Ah railly warnt kwat shore. Ah tuck me a bat of sumthin in one bin, thankin hit wuz a liddle biddy cake, an hit turnt owt to be a cake of sope. The ole hillbilly aint fond of no sope noways, an speshly not iffen hits maskeraidin as food.

Ah wuz wanderin rown, lookin at this that and tother thang, hwin thish hyar feller in a aperun comes up an says, Kin Ah hepp ewe?

Ah lookt him up an down. He wuz rown bowt six fate tawl, an he matta wade a hunnert pownds, iffen a feller added in the rangs an studs an chanes an hwatnot thet wuz stuck in his airs an ahbrows and lips an faice an skapp an awl.

Ah am a-lookin fer me sum deezert, Ah tole thuh yung feller.

We got awl sorts of deezerts hyar, he sed. Yawl got ennythin pertickler in mand?

Well, Ah said, Ah kinely had in mand tuh git me a RC cola an a moon pah. Ahm kinely parshul tuh the nanner ones iffen ewe got em.

Thuh feller kinely lookt at me an sed, Ah doant rekkin we got us no RC cola, an Ah caint say as Ah hev evver hyeerd of moon pahs. But lemme fix yuh up with sumpthin bedder an moar hellthy lack.

Ah dun had muh heth food, Ah sed. In fack, Ah had me two heppins of possum. Thets hwah Ah wuz a-wantin sumthin swate tuh finnish off muh mail.

Well, Ahma gonna git ewe sumthin thets boath swate an hellthy. Ewe jist foller me rown, an Ahll thow sum thangs in yer baskit thar.

So we wint rown the stoar, an the ole boy thoad sum thangs in muh baskit, an he kepp sayin, Now thish hyar iz a soadie pop maid with awl-nacherl ingraidyents, an thish hyar is glooten-fray tater chips, an thish hyar iz ahs crame fer paiple hooze lack toes intollernt, an thish hyar is sum matty good cheese, an thish hyar iz lack mate, seppin hits maid owtta vejtubbles, an thish hyar is almoas iggzackly lack a cookie, seppin hit doant hurt nuthin tuh make it, not animulls ner vejtubbles ner froot ner nothin. Hits hwut folks cawl a vegan cookie. Ah rekkin hittle dew awl rat fer yer moon pah.

Thin he tuck me up tuh the cash rijister, an thin he tuck me oaver tuh the lone offiss, an Ah tuck owt a thurd morgij on muh howse jist tuh bye me two sacks of awl-nacherl grossries. Ah aint shore Ah kin afford tuh bye me no moar of em air Whole Foods. Ah rekkin Ah mat half tuh go back tuh byin haff er kwarter foods.

Ennywaze, Ah tuck muh two sax of grossries an wint hoam, an Ah pored me sum awl-nacherl soadie pop an tuck owt muh awl-nacherl cookie thet appairently aint maid owt of nuthin.

An thin Ah tuck me a bat of at air cookie, an Ah chood on it a bit, an Ah set air an got to thankin an a-wunnderin, Jist hwar hev Ah ivver taistid ennythang lack thish hyar cookie afoar?

An after a hwal hit come to me. Ah membered one tam hwin me an muh bruther wuz havvin us a dirt clod baddle owt in the hog pin back at thuh farm. An muh bruther took a good thow, an he hit me plum in the mowth with a dirt clod thet had moren a liddle left-oaver hog in it.

An thet is iggzackly hwut at air vegan cookie taistid lack.

So Ah thowed owt the rest of the cookie, an Ah tuck me a drank of awl-nacherl soadie pop, an thin Ah thowed it owt too. An thin Ah wint threw muh uther two bags of grossries an Ah taistid awl the rest of muh awl-nacherl grossries, an Ah thowed bowt awl of em owt.

Seppin the cheese. Ah didden thow owt the cheese.

Them cheese are good.